Carsick

Well, I made an online registry. I am going to make a more complete list and an invite to the shower/party sometime, but for now... here's my list if you feel like taking a look:
http://www.thethingsiwant.com/charlz_lynn/list/oliver/

This was a pretty cool and easy tool to use. Thanks, hatched_chicken , for showing me to your friend's list. That was super helpful!

It's also very weird to ask for things. Very very weird. I spent a lot of time putting some of this small (but expensive!) registry together... researching diapers and cosleeping bassinets and other stuff... And it will continue to grow. But everything seems so expensive to me. That last bit deserves a whole other post. I gotta go to sleep.

xoxo

I have maternity jeans now. Someone said I probably don't need them yet, but I think I do, because none of my pants will button, and when they do, they hurt me when I sit down. Anyway, they are actually cute. I also got this strange orange sherbet-colored summery maternity tank top and a cute dress. This shit is super girly. And I feel cute (cutesy)  in it. It's hard to feel tough in sherbet-colored clothing, though.

So, here's the thing...( Double D... )

Anyway. Michael Jackson died. Can you even believe that? And Farrah Fawcett on the same day? And Ed McMann earlier this week? What is going on? 
It was very strange to hear, from Double D's friend, that MJ had died while we were roaming around downtown. Then suddenly everyone everywhere was talking about it. We heard a gay man on the phone with someone saying,  "Michael Jackson can't die. You're fucking with me, right?" The gays seemed to know first. Then it was everywhere. Wild. I was going to post a video, but the ones I want have embedding disabled. Ah well. You know where YouTube is.
xo

God damn motherfucking clothes. Grrrr.

My belly is bigger every day and I don't know how to dress myself. I have some ideas that I can't afford to supply myself, so for now I'm wearing exercise pants and whatever I have that will fit over the baby bump. I really think I'm quite large for 14 1/2 weeks, but I haven't gained any weight so I no longer believe I'm carrying eighteen babies.

Well, I'm babysitting the cutest dog in the world. And I'm off to the park to walk her and myself and the baby.

Life, that is.

This has been a pretty intense week, that is for sure. But I feel like I am coming up for air, maybe even to lie on the beach for a while.

I just had a really lovely hang out with M. We had a nice walk, hung out at her place, then she helped me in a way that was really practical and, well, helpful. Our conversations were smooth and easy. I love her so much. I really do. I'm grateful for our relationship, and grateful that we have our friendship now. We're both really just doing what we have to do and doing it all with a lot of respect for one another.

Now I have all the vitamins I need and a bunch of carrot juice and carrot, beet, celery juice in the fridge. I wanna drink it all right now but I might turn orange and poo red for the rest of my life. It could be worse, huh?

I've never been taking this many pills my whole life.

It's been a hot and beautiful day. I haven't cried yet today, and I didn't cry yesterday. I know it's okay to cry, but god damn, I needed a little break. My eyes, my heart. Now my ass/sciatic nerve deserves a break... maybe if I just keep stretching it will go away, but sometimes the stretching makes it feel worse.

I want to say, again, that I feel really held and supported by all of you who I know read this. Having a large community, even if I can't 'see' you, really, helps me in ways I could never express. Sometimes I feel like that hedgehog in my icon.... Like, maybe I'm about to fall off... then someone puts a little finger on the table to steady everything and I can hold myself up again. So. Thanks.

xoxo

There seems to be a rash of tiny bumps on my lips, possibly strawberry induced (?). I dunno, but I want it to go away. I've been a bit skin-itchy lately too, other places. Random. Or not? I dunno. I do not want to play the "what allergy is this" game right now. Not that I've ever completed a full round of that game anyway, but c'mon. I'm pregnant. That's enough to process with my body right now.
Also, sleeping for shit. I had a date last night and slept over. I don't have an lj name for her yet... Anyway. All night. Sleep, wake up feeling like I had slept a while only to look at the clock to discover it has been ten minutes. Take forever to drift off again. Wake up, thinking "well that was a good stretch." Fifteen minutes. Or five. Or half an hour. The entire night. I think the baby is like, "Ma, what the hell? You slut! Wae up! Who the hell is this trick and where's my Mapa?"
No, I don't feel guilty, but the kid is trying to change that, I think, by waking me up all night. (I know, I know... it's probably not little Avery directly, but the hormones... blah blah. It's more fun to blame the baby. :) If any of you wonder where this comes from, introduce yourself to my mother. )

Monday marks the end of the first trimester. I think I should throw a fucking party.

Do you ever go a while without posting and then it seems too overwhelming to try and catch up? Yeah, me too. So, I'm not really going to try and catch up much, because not that much has even happened. Everything is just very overwhelming...

I got a couple temp jobs. Two and a half days at one and one day at the other. The first was rolling "Alaska" tee shirts and putting them in "Alaska" hats and bundling them together with "Alaska" elastics. Oh boy! And the second was packing Bacon Salt and Baconnaise into boxes for shipping. Both were fine, and took up all of my energy for everything.

I am so tired! And I have been feeling pretty crappy most of the time. Last night I got a little worried because I was all dizzy and started getting a little clammy/sweaty while I was making dinner. Of course, the dizziness is normal, I just forgot. It has to do with all the extra blood in my body, my heart working harder. And Ive had a pretty wicked headache off and on for weeks for the same reason. Dull, but wicked. It is nothing compared to my migraine days, and I am thanking the universe for that.

This week the baby will start making fingernails. Next week, genitals. Holy shit. Every tiny thing is so very exciting to me. And to Mara, and my mumma.

I have been feeling very loved and supported by my Brute. She's really incredible, and has been dealing with my pukey, low-energy self very gently. I can't even say how much that means to me. Her graduation is coming up quick. So fucking exciting. June 21st, two days after her birthday. There is going to be a big ol' party and lots of people in town. I feel pretty damn lucky to be along for this part. She's the first person to graduate in her family, and it's happening on Father's Day. Whoa.

Well, we're going to go out car shopping now... for her. After I go pick up my first check from the temp agency... They called this morning and I turned down a little work. It was for today and I could not at all make myself think about getting up. I maybe should have gone, but my body would have been pretty mad.

This post is scattery. Ah well.

Well, I went to a temp agency today. It was alright, and I feel like it will be fruitful. One good thing is that they don't have any jobs that pay less than nine bucks an hour. I mean, it would be cool to make twelve, but whatever. Really, I just hope to make between one nad two hundred bucks a week, and not lose my benefits - food stamps, WIC, medical coupons. I didn't mention those things, but I felt like I was already in such a small bracket of employability because of my time restrictions.
I didn't wirte yet about what I might be doing with my girlfriend's bff's high school -- she works there. As a counselor, I believe. And she has a small amount of money to give to someone to run an after-school class or something. But, we couldn't find anything I can teach them... BUT here's the thing-- they need a facilitator for the GSA meetings. And she asked me to do it!! I think it's like fifty bucks a week, one meeting per week. I get to hang out with homo teenagers. Hell YEAH! I hope it works out. More to come.

And the pregnancy update. Well, I'm still pregnant and that is AWESOME! The embryo is the size of a large raspberry. I want to say marionberry because of where I live. I am still haveing very vivid and emotional dreams each night, but they aren't keeping me from sleeping at all. If I eat a whole meal I feel really sick and pukey. I almost threw up at a show the ther night. (did i post about that? I don't remember) Being in the bar was fucking disgusting! I could smell everything. Including someone's yeast infection. Whether or not people had been smoking reefer. A few hundred beers open and a few hundred more spilled on the floor in the last year. And in between shows I ate a huge plate of enchiladas, beans, and rice that almost ended up on the floor with all those beers.
What else? My tits hurt!! And my nipples are changing and tender. And my back is still weird, but better (! woohoo !). And I want to eat steak all day, but that's not so new.

Tonight I am meeting one of the Brute's brothers who I have not met yet. He and his family are staying at her place tonight and she's staying here. I'm a little nervous to meet him and his fam. We shall see.... I worry that he is a homophob.

And last, I am having a date tomorrow with someone I've been dirty emailing with. I think we will have fun, and I am still nervous. I feel like we have great chemisrty in writing but we are a little awkward/easily misunderstand each other over the phone. And something weird came up, but I think we've worked it out. No, we haven't met yet. Tomorrow.
I have to remember not to eat too much at dinner!

I slept for ever and ever. And then I spent some time looking for jobs on craigslist. But now I am lying down with pllows under my knees because my sciatic nerve is KILLING me. This has been a problem in the past for me, and now it seems it might be pregnancy related? I did some looking around on the internet and saw some women reporting this beginning in their 6th week (I'm now in my 7th). It seems too early for pregnancy-related back pain, unless somehow this has to do with hormones. I wonder... Of course, I have not forgotten that I pretty much spent the last three weeks in a car, and have not been exercising regualrly in a very long time.
Things to fix... Things to do....

I need a job, pretty desperately. It's hard to feel hopeful about this, finding a job, since I am not supposed to paint. I've answered a lot of CL ads and gotten nothing back, not a question, a phone call, nothing. I need to work on my resume and pound some pavement, but.... Well, there is this thing happening where Microsoft Word has disappeared off my computer. I am using OpenOffice to access my documents, but the formatting is not translating very well. Oi. I'm all complaints today, but the thing is I feel pretty good. We went to a really sweet Seder-ette last night. The sun has been out a lot. I feel healthy aside from my back. I'm wildly in love. Things are good. I just have a lot of things stacking up that are stressful and not the right amount of motivation and resources to tackle them. It will be fine.

The baby is the size of a blueberry right now and making brain cells at a rate of 100 per minute. No wonder I am tired.

xo

So far this is an interesting ride. I still feel like a science experiment and I likely will throughout this whole pregnancy. I really really wish I had brought "What to Expect When You are Expecting" with me. I did not, though, because I have been carrying it around for months not pregnant and it didn't feel good.
So. So far these are the things I have noticed that are drastically different, that may or may not be the result of my increased levels of progesterone:

• I am a total AIRHEAD! No, seriously, I am forgetting shit, feeling really disoriented, and zoning out at times when I need to be alert. This is not all the time, it comes in great whooshes of air in my head, then it calms down till the next one. Who knew?
• My skin on my face looks better than it has in a loooong time. I hope this is a trend.
• I don't want to eat as large of portions as I normally do, and I feel like I can't quite trust a burp after i eat. Like, maybe I will throw up, though I have not. Close, a couple times in the last two days.
• I am waking up very early. Like, Bam! Awake. And in the middle of the night. This could be because I am also sick and snotty and sore-throaty.  Dunno.

That's all I can think of right now. I want to have a book in my pocket telling me what to eat, though. I need to make some more small changes and I wish I had more resources right here with me to know what they are. I want a menu, basically.