Carsick

Okay, here it is. It's not the greatest, but I wrote it in an hour and did my presentation an hour later. They loved it. And a guy in my class came up to me afterward and told me about his moms. It was great to talk to another kid of queers. I've always been a little shocked when he speaks by his sense of awareness, and I guess I understand now why. Not that all kids of queers are, but... 

It feels a little silly, like "yeah, yeah," but it was in response to a person in my class stating that I should not "throw that word around."
Anyway, text under the cut, and here's a photo of my li'l drawring.

 

I felt really on top of all my shit for having spent so long on vacation in the middle of the term. That is, until yesterday when I went back to school and was slapped in the face with harsh reality. That scientific paper you thought was due next Tuesday, Charlz? Yeah, that's due tomorrow. As in, scientific paper. Like, Abstract, introduction, materials and methods, results, discussion, graphics, and references. CRAP! I have today. One day only. Back to ice cream.
Oh yeah, and why did I think the paper was due Tuesday? Right, because there's an exam I forgot about on Tuesday. Crap squared.

Also, I got Millicent to a mechanic this morning. Cross your fingers. My dream is that they will be able to fix her for 300 bucks.

And one last. I want to rekindle friendship and I don't know how. God damnit. But I had a dream about it last night. That's a huge scary thing in my heart.

There was another 'shooting' on campus yesterday. I don't know any details about this one, only what I got in my inbox. (I did learn that no one was hurt... maybe another teenager just firing in the air?)

One of my classmates sent out a mass e-mail to let everyone know that it had happened, which she did this last time, too.
I just wrote her back and asked her to "please exclude me from future emails of this nature," (in that language, because that's her language) mostly because both times there have been no details, just this panicked email in my box holding this girl's terror.
I wish I was more articulate about  why this bothers me so much, same as why the active shooter drills in my face and everyone else's bother me. But two active shooter drills closely followed by two 'shootings'? I dunno.
And then I wonder if they're having the same drills and the same problems at the other campuses.

just took my chemistry final. That class was easy for me, but having put off so much of the work till the end, i was a little screwed. I think i did great on the test, but I turned in a half-finished homework assignment and a half-assed lab report.
Every once in a while I'm reminded that this learning stuff is really hard for some people and I have to remember how lucky I am that things like chemistry are a cakewalk for me.

So. Writing portfolio is turned in.
Chemistry work and final are done.
Tomorrow I sit for a biology final and a calculus final. Our group project will be turned in, and I'm not doing the extra credit even though i might get a c in that class.
I'm way disappointed in myself for my performance in calculus this term, but really I can't sweat it.

Next term biology will be my only truly challenging class, I think.

now I will spend the evening studying for those two finals... and somewhere in there i will go get ice cream god damnit.

xo

My brain has been nonstop for a little too long right now. All day with calculus, up until 1am writing a paper, up at 8 and headed to school, biology, directly to calculus study group, calculus exam, and now my two and a half hour break finishing that paper. I have to go to writing class now and turn in this paper that is not very good. Sometimes it happens.
i have a hard time writing about things that are not funny, and things that I have strong feelings about. Ar.

Okay.. I'm negotiating a meeting with this woman who is SO HOT. It won't be for three more weeks, but... damn I'm excited. It's been hard to stay focused on things and not on what we're planning out, and the conversations that are running parallel to that one.
Damn. That's all.

I just registered for classes. Next term I'm taking thirteen credits, as opposed to 18. Praise the goddess.
I'm taking:
Writing 122 (english composition, damnit. snore)\
African Art (We'll see. I'm excited)
And second-term biology for science majors (Which I will have time to do well in with the absence of calculus and chemistry and real writing class)

i also applied for financial aid for both here and cape cod community college, just in case. And I lost a button that tyler gave me that said "A your and amazon" and I'm really really bummed about it.

As for productivity last night... no lab write ups. only magic brownie and long long bath and good sleep. He doesn't take off for late work, so.. fine. i feel better in the world today.
Except for when I burst into tears, which has only happened three times in the last twenty four hours. Sadly, that's an improvement.

Should i move to Massachusettes and take a year off school to make my tuition ten thousand dollars less? That's half as much. My mumma would shit if she heard this idea.
I have a lot of thinking to do. 
Like... take a year off to have a baby and then go back to school. I wonder if pregnancy would be sufficient to defer my loans for 6 months. 
??!!?? 

And, while I'm here... Why am i such a sagittarius?
Seriously?

I don't feel good.
Last time i thought I bombed a calculus exam, I got a b on it. But that will not be the case with the one I just took. I think I left a quarter of the problems blank, or with question marks, and was shooting in the dark for 90% of the remainder.
I'm a mess right now, and  calculus has been at the absolute bottom of my list. Health concerns have finally moved up (which moved calc to the very bottom), at least to second, and my other classes are definitely more important to me now.
Floating around in my messiness is a lot of pain and itching. My heart hurts a lot lately. I'm premenstrual. I'm really really really lonely. I think I might put off the baby making until the fall, unless i somehow end up sleeping with a boy I trust on more levels than I even know any boys. i just cannot afford it. And I want it so bad that it's breaking my heart to not have it be it live it right now. I miss my family. All manners of family. Baaaaad. Did I mention I'm lonely? Well, i am. I have a fever. And, oh, yeah, eczema on my motherfucking vag. And in my ears. I think in my ears is the worst.
Also, lonely.
One good thing, I'm going to toshi's show tonight. So, there's one lost family member. And Tyler will be there. And P and E. I just hope i can make it until then without bursting into tears (fighting crying right now, fucking public). And a bonus would be not bursting into tears at the show.
One more good thing, I have quit wheat and sugar with a great deal more success than I thought possible from myself. The only sugar I've had is fruit, and that I feel okay about). I DID have a slice of pizza yesterday afternoon, then i think the itching got a lot worse from that. So. Am I allergic to wheat? I guess I'll find out. bummer.
At the naturopath i found out I have Labrynthitis, which means there's fluid in my Labrynth. Like, my ear tubes and stuff. (at least, that's what i think they were saying). So last night I did this weird thing involving putting on wet cotton socks, wool socks over them, and then going to bed. It felt kinda nice. And strange.
They also told me to take Dandelion, Oregon grape, and Benedryl (sp?) for the itching. She said stay off the wheat and sugar. I wish I had the ability to be more focused when at the doc, so I could make sure i really understand what they're saying to me.
Okay. I have to go somewhere. be outside or something.

So, since new year's I've quit drinking booze and coffee.
My birthday twin is trying to quit those things right now. I talked to her last night, and it was amazing. always is. I wish she and I lived in the same place so we could sit in comfy chairs and shoot the shit together.
I just find it interesting that there are certain things in our life that are so parallel, even though we're so different in so many ways.

I have to go track down my irresponsible calculus instructor now so  I can make up my exam. I've emailed him and called him and gotten no response as to where/when I should find him today to make it up.... Maybe he's sick now, since half the class was sick on exam day (the smart kids, actually... the kid that leads the study group and this incredibly nerdy girl that I really like).
i got about half of that to-do list done the other day, and i feel pretty good about that. this work load is crazy.
Alright.
Wish me luck.

Even though I got a B in Calculus last term (I earned it. By skipping classes and quizzes and never making them up), I still made the Dean's List. Sweet. I had felt like a total failure. (I'm particularly hard on myself sometimes, after being a slacker)
Also, I keep forgetting to mention... My confirmation came the other day. Put-in/Lace/Main Kitch (ac). I'm still a little unsure what, exactly, put-in is going to mean for me... but I think there's a little flex added on there, too. I arrive the 11th of July. Wow.
Okay, speaking of being a slacker, I was supposed to be studying this whole time... but there was myspace and dean's list letters to look at.
xo
Also, I just took a bite of a normal looking candy cane and it was cinnamon! Weird!