Carsick

That's how pregnant I am, as of yesterday. And oh boy, it's showing! Strangers haven't started talking to me about it yet, and I better enjoy that for now.

So, what's going on in little Avery's world this week? Well, let me tell you...
The baby's bones are hardening through a process called ossification. First to harden are the bones in it's ears and legs. The bones in its ears are now developed enough that the baby can hear!! (If my child is a hearing child, that is.) I can hardly believe this. It's funny, last night was the first time I had a really strong urge to read to the baby, and I just read about this in the book this morning. I guess I won't pack my small collection of children's books just yet.
The baby can also swallow now. It's swallowing a lot of amniotic fluid, while practicing. It's also yawning and hiccuping, and has finger prints. Next Thursday Mara and I are going to go get an ultrasound and we get to see the kid for the first time. I am freaking out about this. So excited.
The other thing I think I mentioned is that I felt it kick the night I got back from NY. I've felt it, I think, twice more since then. Now I'm in the prime window to start feeling it move more often.

Okay, now I am off to get more shots in my ass. Woohoo!

There seems to be a rash of tiny bumps on my lips, possibly strawberry induced (?). I dunno, but I want it to go away. I've been a bit skin-itchy lately too, other places. Random. Or not? I dunno. I do not want to play the "what allergy is this" game right now. Not that I've ever completed a full round of that game anyway, but c'mon. I'm pregnant. That's enough to process with my body right now.
Also, sleeping for shit. I had a date last night and slept over. I don't have an lj name for her yet... Anyway. All night. Sleep, wake up feeling like I had slept a while only to look at the clock to discover it has been ten minutes. Take forever to drift off again. Wake up, thinking "well that was a good stretch." Fifteen minutes. Or five. Or half an hour. The entire night. I think the baby is like, "Ma, what the hell? You slut! Wae up! Who the hell is this trick and where's my Mapa?"
No, I don't feel guilty, but the kid is trying to change that, I think, by waking me up all night. (I know, I know... it's probably not little Avery directly, but the hormones... blah blah. It's more fun to blame the baby. :) If any of you wonder where this comes from, introduce yourself to my mother. )

Monday marks the end of the first trimester. I think I should throw a fucking party.

Week 11:

 Your baby (now about two inches long) has been pretty busy this week, growing hair follicles, fingernails, and ovaries (if she's a girl). She has distinct human characteristics by now, with hands and feet in front of the body, ears nearly in their final shape, open nasal passages on the tip of her tiny nose, a tongue and palate in the mouth, and visible nipples. Hooray!

(from what to expect.... I prefer the mayo clinic guide... more sciencey) 

So, yes. This is what is going on in there. Out here, all I want to do is sleep sleep sleep. It's a little crazy. I am happy with 12 hours per night. Very happy. What else is going on? Constipation? yes. Gas? yes. Bloating? yes. Showing? yes. Tits sore? yes. Nipples changing color? yes. My cunt is also a completely different cunt. It's very strange, to have that particular part of me practically unrecognizable so early in the game. I have totally been having food aversions and cravings. It's not like I get a hankering for something, but more like I see someone with fried chicken and I MUST have it NOW. Or I hear the words mac and cheese and I will not be satisfied until it's in my mouth. Funny. 

Today we chose a different midwife, someone in Olympia. Her name is Audrey. She's Jewish, and very lovely on the phone. She's also good friends with the midwife we were going to go with here. We meet her Wednesday. I'm really fucking excited, and really happy we found a Jewish midwife. Mara's a Jew, and we want to raise the baby Jewish, and since I'm not I feel like really, the more Jews involved the better. I got all my insurance crap sorted out today, too. And marbles is buying a car right now. It's a TCB kind of day. 

I also just finished the first GSA meeting that people showed up to. It was wonderful. I am pretty sure all the kids there were straight, and we spent most of the time talking about what GLBTIQQ all stand for and how fucking complicated it is... And we brainstormed about future meetings. The kids were AMAZING. I'd like to come with more resources next week. Gotta get on the phone. I have been having such a hard time getting phone-related things done lately. It's part of just wanting to sleep, I think. 

Well. I haven't had internet access, cause I've been house sitting. I'm waiting for the brute now, on her computer, so playing catch up, or trying to. I feel out of the LJ loop. 

xoxo

People, the baby is now officially a fetus! As of yesterday, actually. I am so happy about this, and very happy that I have one more month of first trimester which means soon I will (hopefully) have more energy, not feel nauseous all the time, and feel like having sex again regularly. I am also excited about the prospect of showing. My tits have outgrown a lot of my clothes. My one bra that still fits is a barely, but I am going to Nordstrom's soon to get a new one. The first maternity dress that I bought by accident for that wedding two years ago is not-quite holding my boobs. I have cleavage. WEIRD!! And, admittedly, awesome. I feel like I've earned it, cause these bitches hurt!

So, I think I have been pretty clear about the fact that I am super stressed about a job. That's still very true. I need to reign it in because all I can think is that all that stress is going right into my baby. Which makes me feel like I'm being a bad mother already.

Last night I had a dream that we were at Michigan, and we were being attacked. There were buildings there, and five or six of us were in this shack-like thing. Lots of gaps in the boards in the walls... We could see out, people were being chased and killed. Some of us decided to leave when things calmed down, and I was with them. We could tell them, if they stopped us, that I was going into early labor. But I was leaving everything in my tent, leaving behind everything I owned again, and maybe I could come back to it, but maybe not. It was very stressful and sad and scary. I am glad I couldn't tell who was being killed or who was doing the killing, everyone was just a dark figure. Damn.
The next dream i had was about a bowling alley. All the balls and shoes were everywhere and they were weird and vintage. There were also a lot of other random antique/vintage things lying about. Nothing was the right size. People were throwing bowling balls all over the place and I got hit a couple times. It was all just really frustrating.
Needless to say, I slept for shit.

Now I am going to go try and get a job. Wish me luck.

I don't like that, in trying to get pregnant, my period has become my enemy. Not totally, but I spend too much time wishing it would not come.

I started bleeding today. I thought for a moment that it could be implantation bleeding because it is three or four days early. And, since I've been tracking it, it's been like clockwork except for at festival. 28 days 28 days 28 days 28 days 24 days?? I thought it was maybe implantation bleeding but then the cramps hit. And then the back ache. And then the I-need-to-go-to-bed-immediately. And then the three hour fitful crampy nap.

Ah well, it was really unlikely, given that most of the sperm ended up on my pants and on the bathroom floor. Damn. One more shot before moving. Then it's on to finding a new donor.

I have been sleeping from roughly 4am to noon every day. Why? I don't know. I just can't get myself into bed, then I can't get myself out of bed. Even when I got up relatively early (relative to when i went to sleep) when I had a visitor and I was exhausted all day. That was a lot of fun, by the way. We kayaked in the rain and ate a lot and had a generally very relaxing time together -- after a weird and aggravating journey to the bank. (Yes, journey. Maybe someday I'll tell you about it. Probably not. Lord.)

So, this sleep thing. ( Jeesh. Read more if you wanna.  )
Okay. Wah wah wah.... now for some exciting things. My stepmom is starting some new treament and might pull through her liver cancer!! It's called Selective Internal Radiation Therapy (SIRT) and it's experimental on her because it's never been used for her type of cancer. It's usually for liver cancers that originate in the colon, I believe. Anyway, it's the most hopeful bit we've come across yet, and it's said to have NO SIDE EFFECTS. The chemo has been really devastating her body. So. Praying, or whatever.

Also exciting, the Brute is talking about coming for thanksgiving.... coming in the weekend before and staying until december 3rd - a couple days after my birthday. Woohoo!

Also very exciting and kind of related, I might be inseminating during that time. I got a hold of my potential sperm donor and started the negotiations. I might have the Brute do the inseminating. (!!!) More on that later. But I'll just say this: I could have an infant one year from now.

Longest update ever. Now I'm gonna go call the mechanic (find a mechanic) and clean some more. xo

i don't wanna get too excited, but my tits are totally sore!! Just now, tonight, they started getting that way. Not in any way I've ever felt before.
please oh please oh please.

Anyway. Helped tyler move today, which means I got to see her. Yes! I miss her, and I'm not even gone yet. She'll be around this next week, thank the goddess.

The Brute had to say goodbye to a friend who's moving tonight, and I'm feeling really affected by her sadness. Really really wishing I was there to make tea and read her stories. Just to be with her.
Funny what we expect and what is real and how these things differ so often.

I really really really really really wish I could tell if I'm pregnant. I could be. Right now. Or I could not. Damn. I just want to KNOW.

I'm going through a really self-centered time around this. Things I think I am this year (themes, you might say): lazy, self-centered, obsessed with pregnancy. All three things I have decided and have to keep on deciding over and over to be okay with. Serious grieving has taken a huge toll on a lot of aspects of my life, pushing the self-centeredness even further. And the laziness... well. I need to conquer that. Especially where school in concerned. I am looking to festival as a turnaround.
Again.
And again and again.
I will start taking my super-early pregnancy tests on Tuesday. And, of course, I'll do one as soon as I get home tomorrow just because. I do, though, feel like something is happening. I'm having a really weird relationship with my body right now. And I think with food, too. BUt I don't trust myself around this. Of course I'm going to think I'm pregnant.

One more thing: Sex. I want to know about pregnant sex. I want to know about insemination sex.. like, between insemination and really preggers. What are the risks? Why don't I know more about this?

Friends, please send me a bit your love and support over the next few days. It's insemination time. I'm a little bit freaking out in about eight million ways. So, pretty please.. think of me.

I found a donor. We're gonna do it the "old fashioned way". The sperm bank really felt all wrong, so the  amazing financial support I received from some of you is going/went toward testing, hotel rooms, and gas. Thank you thank you thank you all so much.

xoxox

I just made and set into motion a really really big decision.

I'm going to inseminate at home, and Zelda is going to knock me up.

How did this happen? Well, let me tell you.
All along I've been feeling apprehensive about the sperm bank in Berkeley. They charge a LOT and even a registration fee. hey require that I see a doctor they approve of. But, they sell to single women and I thought they were the only one.
So, I posted this on craigslist yesterday:  

Of course, I got some answers from men willing to give me 'all the sperm' I need. "And it's fresh" one man told me. Thanks, buddy. BUT one woman wrote and said that she used NW cryobank in Spokane and they were great and she's a single lesbian. So I looked around.
They have inseminate at home options. No doctor registration. No information on your partners. Options for checking boxes that say 'single', the option to have them choose the donor. The website feels sweeter and more personal and not like a clinic. I called a midwife listed as someone who uses their specimens and she was really sweet - not taking new patients- and it was the first encounter I've had with a stranger who has been human about it. I introduced myself and said I was looking to get pregnant in the next two months and she said "Congratulations!"
She confirmed my feeling that I don't have to inseminate in a doctor's office even though I'm single. She made me feel so much better that, when I hung up, I started crying.
Then I called Zelda because what else would I do? She was the very first person I thought of to help me, and she was so amazing and excited and loving about it. I love her so much that now I'm crying again. I'm sooooo happy and relieved to have these things falling into place in a way that reels right and good and natural. I want my child to be conceived in a place of love and trust and calm, and they will be.
Shit I've gotta stop crying and study for my biology exam which is tomorrow.