Carsick

Life, that is.

This has been a pretty intense week, that is for sure. But I feel like I am coming up for air, maybe even to lie on the beach for a while.

I just had a really lovely hang out with M. We had a nice walk, hung out at her place, then she helped me in a way that was really practical and, well, helpful. Our conversations were smooth and easy. I love her so much. I really do. I'm grateful for our relationship, and grateful that we have our friendship now. We're both really just doing what we have to do and doing it all with a lot of respect for one another.

Now I have all the vitamins I need and a bunch of carrot juice and carrot, beet, celery juice in the fridge. I wanna drink it all right now but I might turn orange and poo red for the rest of my life. It could be worse, huh?

I've never been taking this many pills my whole life.

It's been a hot and beautiful day. I haven't cried yet today, and I didn't cry yesterday. I know it's okay to cry, but god damn, I needed a little break. My eyes, my heart. Now my ass/sciatic nerve deserves a break... maybe if I just keep stretching it will go away, but sometimes the stretching makes it feel worse.

I want to say, again, that I feel really held and supported by all of you who I know read this. Having a large community, even if I can't 'see' you, really, helps me in ways I could never express. Sometimes I feel like that hedgehog in my icon.... Like, maybe I'm about to fall off... then someone puts a little finger on the table to steady everything and I can hold myself up again. So. Thanks.

xoxo

Do you ever go a while without posting and then it seems too overwhelming to try and catch up? Yeah, me too. So, I'm not really going to try and catch up much, because not that much has even happened. Everything is just very overwhelming...

I got a couple temp jobs. Two and a half days at one and one day at the other. The first was rolling "Alaska" tee shirts and putting them in "Alaska" hats and bundling them together with "Alaska" elastics. Oh boy! And the second was packing Bacon Salt and Baconnaise into boxes for shipping. Both were fine, and took up all of my energy for everything.

I am so tired! And I have been feeling pretty crappy most of the time. Last night I got a little worried because I was all dizzy and started getting a little clammy/sweaty while I was making dinner. Of course, the dizziness is normal, I just forgot. It has to do with all the extra blood in my body, my heart working harder. And Ive had a pretty wicked headache off and on for weeks for the same reason. Dull, but wicked. It is nothing compared to my migraine days, and I am thanking the universe for that.

This week the baby will start making fingernails. Next week, genitals. Holy shit. Every tiny thing is so very exciting to me. And to Mara, and my mumma.

I have been feeling very loved and supported by my Brute. She's really incredible, and has been dealing with my pukey, low-energy self very gently. I can't even say how much that means to me. Her graduation is coming up quick. So fucking exciting. June 21st, two days after her birthday. There is going to be a big ol' party and lots of people in town. I feel pretty damn lucky to be along for this part. She's the first person to graduate in her family, and it's happening on Father's Day. Whoa.

Well, we're going to go out car shopping now... for her. After I go pick up my first check from the temp agency... They called this morning and I turned down a little work. It was for today and I could not at all make myself think about getting up. I maybe should have gone, but my body would have been pretty mad.

This post is scattery. Ah well.

Something interesting I am noticing about pregnancy is that my body is still following a cycle, as far as I can tell. When I would normally be PMSing, my skin breaks out for a few days. And I am hoping my flare-up in my back is related to that, too.... based on what swifty told me. It also feels like I have been a lot moodier the past few days than before. We'll see if this subsides a bit, but it seems so already.

One of the best things about my date with the brute last night is that we came home and had steamy hot totally dirty sex aftrward. That's particularly great because lately my sex drive is not-so-present. I understand it, but it still freaks me out. I could write a million paragraphs here, but I'll hold back. Just want to thank the goddess for letting me get it up for at least one night, and I'm looking forward to the next million nights that happens. Even if they are spread out.

Something that may or may not be complicated by this is the fact that I am going to start dating someone new next week. We have been dirty emailing for a month or so now, and I'm pretty excited to meet her. All I have space for -- in my life, my heart, and my relationship -- is something truly casual. She knows that and hopefully she can really do it and I can really do it with her. I think we will have a lot of fun, hormones willing.

Oh -- one more thing.  have been crying in my dreams all the time lately. LIke, intensely crying. So, the hormonal effects don't end when the lights go out, apparently.

My mom called me earlier this week to let me know that she's been keeping the house at 48* because we're burning through oil way too fast. I cannot blame her for this strategy at all, because we just don't have the fucking money to spend many hundreds of dollars on oil per month. So. It's cold. Her phone call to tell me about the heat came while I was walking down the street in a t-shirt and hoodie in sixty degree sunshine in Seattle. It did not make me want to come home.
When I arrived at the airport yesterday morning she let me know that the house was also trashed. Which made me want to hide in Providence. I did for a day so I could watch the L Word tonight anyhow (ugh, i hate that show more and more, i wish i could stop watching it!).

Anyway. I am home now. It is quite chilly, but I have a lot of blankets. And it's messy, but I can clean it up tomorrow. Those things are not so bad. What is bad is that the Brute is way over on the other coast and we should just be in the same place. The time I spent in Seattle just now was incredible. I met so many of her people who feel like they will be my people, too. For a very long time. Like we will truly merge our communities in a way, as well as building on new friends in our home when we land... Community around farming and trading... veggies for milk for flowers for grains for eggs, etc.
These are the things I am dreaming about for the next 20 years of my life. I'm just ready to get started. I feel like I have been revving my engine for years to get to this point and now it's time to accelerate. This place, Onset; this place, not working or going to school; this place, being alone so much... feels too stagnant and too isolated. I know that working will solve a good bit of it, but really, I just want to put everything in my car, yet again, and drive out west.

For the next few months,  I need to concentrate on going to Providence more, writing more letters, and working. I also need to concentrate on being present with myself and my surroundings and my lover. Because a relationship based on wanting only is not fulfilling at all. I think that long-distance can become that even if that's not where it started.

Okay. I'm done. I think I repeated a great deal of what I posted last, but I will write it as many times as I have to. Now I'm going to curl up under my feather comforter and my 5 quilts and sleep and sleep.

I have now met the Brute's entire family -- minus one brother and his clan. And a whole bunch of her very important friends, too. Including her friend who is ten years old, with whom I am in serious friend love. I can't wait to spend more time with her -- the ten year old. I was more nervous meeting her than I was to meet the whole family (which happened the day after i arrived), because it's kinda like who gives a fuck if the family doesn't like me. Well, B, the friend, did like me, and I liked her, and we had a super super fun time that included going to Toys R Us and riding around the store on bikes and playing monkey in the middle. Sooooo good.

This whole trip has been a kind of whirlwind of social activity, and it's almost all been really good. The Brute's family was really sweet to me, and all the friends have been really sweet, too. It's nice to see that my girlfriend is surrounded by a crowd of amazing, kind, loving, fun, friendly people. And... a huge bonus for me... They seem to like me, too!

I have to admit that I don't ever want to leave. I want to just stay here and start our fucking life together right now. No waiting until June. No going back to my car that is sitting in Carlita's driveway on top of a huge sheet if ice. No lonely beautiful house where I spend too much time alone and cold. No electronic relationship. But I need to be happy with what i have while I have it. I get to see my mom almost every day and that is great. I get to cook nice food all the time, and I plan on making more efforts to see my friends in Providence. There's a potential new local date. I am going to be pregnant soon. I will spend more time crafting, and figuring out my sewing machine. And, most importantly, I am going to start working soon, whether for the census or something, anything else.

It's just fucking hard to think about leaving this temporary-but-soon-to-be-permanent life where I am blissed out for the one where I am not quite happy.

Oh, and one last thing... we went bowling today with d and g and it was a motherfucking blast.

Last year at this time I was casually dating and thinking I might just never fall in love again, at least not in the way that says "Hey, I'm with you for the long haul." I know. Me? But it seemed impossible that I could ever trust the situation that involves long-term plans and goals after the last situation, with g, where my heart ended up feeling betrayed and forgotten. Thank god I was wrong.

I have made mention of The Brute, and being in love with her, and how plans have changed, but not said exactly how.
Here goes. I'm hopefully getting pregnant this month. I have been planning on doing this on my own for quite some time. When g and I broke up I kept my baby-making time fame and I didn't think for one minute I would find someone whose goals/dreams/values aligned with mine enough to want to be parents together. Not that quickly, and maybe probably not ever. Well. I was wrong again.

The Brute and I are going to make  family together. Our goals and dreams are aligned perfectly. Our values, too. The main issue right now is that we're both having a hard time believing that it can be this simple. Can it be? It seems like it. We're so wild about each other, and we really want so many of the same things, for ourselves, our partners, and our child. It's very interesting changing the language from "My Kid" to "Our Kid" and I'm loving it so much right now. I am looking forward to loving it for a long long time.

Every single day, we laugh on the phone. I mean, laugh until I'm hiccuping and crying and pissing myself. She surprises me over and over and over again with her kindness, generosity, fierce wittiness, boiling hotness, and her ability to put up with me. As far as being a parent goes, she's going to be the greatest dad EVER. I feel so so sooooo lucky to get to have her in my life, and in the life of my/our kid. That is one fucking lucky kid. I have never met anyone who is so great with young people -- so present and respectful of them -- communicating with them on such a human level and seeing them as their own people. Even in our current capacity, where I just get to hear stories about her hanging out with kids, I feel lucky to be a witness.

So what does this look like? I am pretty sure it looks like I will be moving back West this summer. It's hard to make the decision to leave my mom to join a lover but, as she pointed out, she will do what she needs to do. And as someone else pointed out, that's just what people do when they grow up. The Brute and I are going to be scoping out places around Olympia, and we will see what comes of all this. Our dreams include farming, growing our own food and canning it, goats and chickens, making goat cheese, selling things at the market, possibly finding ways to split being stay-at-homes.... These have always been my dreams and I've shared them with people at different points in my life, but for the first time it seems possible that they could become reality sooner than later.

Like I said to her at festival this year. Bring it on.
What a fucking awesome surprise.

Wow. I felt for a long time like there wasn't really anything to say. I've been comfortable. Mildly depressed. Exploring. Taking pictures.
Things are pretty good.
The Brute - who is now my boyfriend - and I have been blowing wide our possibilities and talking talking late into the night about things pertaining to the future and family and... well, you get the idea. Last night I finally let go and told her I've been dreaming about parenting with her. And she's been having similar thoughts and dreams.
That lead to another hours-long conversation. Lots of laughing. Lots of "It can't really be this simple..."
Anyway. This morning she pulled this:



The Seeker of Bottles:
"Floating on their back, free from any cares or worries, the person in this card is completely present and in the moment. ( Read more... )

What else? I've been taking a lot of pictures, and every time I think of posting on here, that's what I wanna post. But, I've already uploaded soooo many on myspace and facebook that I feel silly doing more more more.

One more thing -- my dilly beans turned out SO GOOD. I'm in love with them.

Oh, and lastly. John McCain is a fucking douchecheese and I wonder how the mad scientist that created him could have chosen those arms and done such a shit job sewing them on.

xo

i don't wanna get too excited, but my tits are totally sore!! Just now, tonight, they started getting that way. Not in any way I've ever felt before.
please oh please oh please.

Anyway. Helped tyler move today, which means I got to see her. Yes! I miss her, and I'm not even gone yet. She'll be around this next week, thank the goddess.

The Brute had to say goodbye to a friend who's moving tonight, and I'm feeling really affected by her sadness. Really really wishing I was there to make tea and read her stories. Just to be with her.
Funny what we expect and what is real and how these things differ so often.

I was on the phone for three hours last night. And the night before. With my one night stand.
Umn, what?

Anyway. I've been up studying for a bit now, I have a biology exam in a couple hours. Mendelian genetics review, basis of chromosomal inheritance, DNA replication, and RNA transcription. WHEW! I'm actually kind of excited to get it out of the way. I also have a paper due that is not finished, but pretty much kicks ass so far. It's an analysis of a written argument - from Andrew Sullivan in 1989 - for gay marriage. But he's using the argument against DPs to say that gays will be socially responsible if we can get marred. Fucking gay conservatives, man. That is, of course, super simplified, but you get the point.
In the three hours between the two classes I can probably finish catching up in my late-registration lit. class and finish that paper.
This is the end of a pretty solitary weekend here at the house-sitting house. Yesterday I finally kicked it into gear and got my studying done that needed to happen. I've eaten three pints of ice cream. It's my crutch. And I've drank about a million gallons of tea. That's the other crutch. This box of irish breakfast has three bags left in it, and once it's gone i'm off caffeine. (there are also a bunch floating around in my book bag that I'll drink first)

I really feel like I'm going to get pregnant the first try. Part of me feels half-foolish to feel so sure, but I just do. I'm going between not wanting to set myself up for heart break and feeling like manifestation is key.

Do you think it would be silly to order the Bend, Breathe, and Conceive dvd? It's future-mom yoga. I wonder if I would actually do it. I think I'm more likely to do it by myself than go to a class....
I'm obsessed.