another bitchfest.
Sep. 25th, 2005 03:51 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
charlz_lynnthis body is NOT public property ...even if it is for sale sometimes. fucking men.
earlier (but late). albina and killingsworth. he drove by in tan suv, i was on my super-geek headset talking to grover. he stopped and stared in front of me. put on blinker, turned left - away from me. i watched. he was going around the MOTHERFUCKING block. great. i watched him come back, while telling grover exactly what i was going to say to this fuck if he actually stopped and tried anything. of course. he stops. window down.
"you need a ride?"
"no thanks, i'm quite fine."
window up, off he goes.
to grover: "that was not as unpleasant as it could've been."
conversation continues. motherfucker comes back going the other direction. stops in the middle of the street.
"blah blah blah, money, i'm going on a trip, you want to come with me, money, take ride with me, blah blah blah."
"you know, i am really okay, i'm on my way home and i have things to do. thanks anyway."
"you sure? i have money... i can give you ride home."
"no. really. i'm fine. thanks, bye."
"why not?"
"i have things to do. i'm not far from home. i'm not changing my mind. bye."
he drives away.
**this is not exact, as far as words exchanged goes. but it's fucking close.**
a man that had walked by earlier came walking back by (really sweet guy, i'd say), and said something like "he tryin to pick you up, huh?" yeah, i tell him... he says some other things, says i'm good-looking, i tell him yeah, but that doesn't mean my body is fucking public property. he tells me to be real careful, this is a bad neighborhood and he sees girls on the news all the time... he liked how i handled that guy, though. he tells me to have a nice night. grover heard at least all of my words through these interactions. thank god for her. oh. thank god for my self control. i could have killed him.
so. this is a long post... but a few things: i had my ass grabbed downtown the day before yesterday, quickly followed by "yeah, see dude, i told you that was a girl." because i'm not even human, duh. i couldn't even get any words out.
another guy, the week that i was home between trips, walks up to me, staring up and down, hardcore. i stare back. i said "hi." he says "you have a really interesting body shape." "mmhmm." i say. "i like it." he replies. my eyes get wide, my head tilts. i say "thanks." and turn around and walk away.
and i'm trying now to figure out why these things are happening here in portland, when i've always been pretty pleased with the lack of this bullshit. this is why i do not live in ohio. it's MY ass. MY body. you don't deserve to even look at it unless i say it's okay. as is the same with ALL women's bodies. men's, too... okay, sure.
so, in trying to figure this out tonight, it fucking hits me.
i'm thin.
well, a hell of a lot thinner than i've been in a long ass time.
when i left portland this summer: size 38.
now: 32's are slightly too big.
it's just too fucked up for me to even put more words to it than that. i'd like to vomit.
that's just fucked.
earlier (but late). albina and killingsworth. he drove by in tan suv, i was on my super-geek headset talking to grover. he stopped and stared in front of me. put on blinker, turned left - away from me. i watched. he was going around the MOTHERFUCKING block. great. i watched him come back, while telling grover exactly what i was going to say to this fuck if he actually stopped and tried anything. of course. he stops. window down.
"you need a ride?"
"no thanks, i'm quite fine."
window up, off he goes.
to grover: "that was not as unpleasant as it could've been."
conversation continues. motherfucker comes back going the other direction. stops in the middle of the street.
"blah blah blah, money, i'm going on a trip, you want to come with me, money, take ride with me, blah blah blah."
"you know, i am really okay, i'm on my way home and i have things to do. thanks anyway."
"you sure? i have money... i can give you ride home."
"no. really. i'm fine. thanks, bye."
"why not?"
"i have things to do. i'm not far from home. i'm not changing my mind. bye."
he drives away.
**this is not exact, as far as words exchanged goes. but it's fucking close.**
a man that had walked by earlier came walking back by (really sweet guy, i'd say), and said something like "he tryin to pick you up, huh?" yeah, i tell him... he says some other things, says i'm good-looking, i tell him yeah, but that doesn't mean my body is fucking public property. he tells me to be real careful, this is a bad neighborhood and he sees girls on the news all the time... he liked how i handled that guy, though. he tells me to have a nice night. grover heard at least all of my words through these interactions. thank god for her. oh. thank god for my self control. i could have killed him.
so. this is a long post... but a few things: i had my ass grabbed downtown the day before yesterday, quickly followed by "yeah, see dude, i told you that was a girl." because i'm not even human, duh. i couldn't even get any words out.
another guy, the week that i was home between trips, walks up to me, staring up and down, hardcore. i stare back. i said "hi." he says "you have a really interesting body shape." "mmhmm." i say. "i like it." he replies. my eyes get wide, my head tilts. i say "thanks." and turn around and walk away.
and i'm trying now to figure out why these things are happening here in portland, when i've always been pretty pleased with the lack of this bullshit. this is why i do not live in ohio. it's MY ass. MY body. you don't deserve to even look at it unless i say it's okay. as is the same with ALL women's bodies. men's, too... okay, sure.
so, in trying to figure this out tonight, it fucking hits me.
i'm thin.
well, a hell of a lot thinner than i've been in a long ass time.
when i left portland this summer: size 38.
now: 32's are slightly too big.
it's just too fucked up for me to even put more words to it than that. i'd like to vomit.
that's just fucked.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 12:18 pm (UTC)Makes me want to get 'big dyke' tattooed across my chest. Or maybe just 'no'.
F
no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 05:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-25 07:14 pm (UTC)I've always been a big kid but I know a lot of my chub is a defense mechanism. So fucked up.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 05:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 02:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 05:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 05:37 am (UTC)however - i hate idiots. really, i do.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 05:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 05:37 am (UTC)i hear things only on uber outter femme days. people can be so stupid!
however - i am excited about your cell phone! and, see you sat?! oxo
no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 06:18 am (UTC)so, this is what's fucked up. like, i wonder to myself "why the hell are these straight assholes trying to pick me up or harassing me when i pass as a boy without trying?" and then i get even more pissed because NOBODY should be harassed like that, and the people i know who regularly present femme get harassed all the time. it's to be expected. so so very screwed up. vom.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-26 06:23 am (UTC)i think people sometimes just need to SHUT UP and they really need to not be so fucking creepy.
when i used to be uber butch back in the day (that line makes me laugh right there) strange men would hit on me in that way of fucking with me because then they could figure out "what" i was. also - i feel like they prob gay action and by fucking someone who regardless of how one ids, if they think they are a butch lady, its sort of gender fucking in a way and could be "gay enough" for them. you know? the "gay sex" without the "gay" for them.
erm. am i being clear? my head hurts and im sleepy.
and really. people are just fucking stupid and gross and really need to learn to BACK OFF. the end.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-27 05:42 pm (UTC)yeah, maybe you oughtta investigate yer sexuality a little bit, buckaroo.
puke.
no subject
Date: 2005-09-27 07:56 pm (UTC)