hard time

it was a mistake. coming to the midwest for TWO WEEKS was a stupid mistake. I would have been better off taking off a weekend for the party, flying here, and staying in brooklyn. I miss my people. I miss queers. I miss feeling sexy or even just cute or normal and I miss having normal conversations with people like I'm a human being. AND i miss getting paid. It was dumb. I don't have enough money to do this. I'm very quickly running out of funds, in fact, and there's no way to make more money before festival, and no backup because i'm just. not. good. with. money.
For right now, life is not expensive, but when I go to ohio it will be really hard.

Right now. Yes. I'm at my grandma and grandpa bell's house (they have a computer and that's strange, and this is a dial-up connection which i forgot how much that blows). It has been a nice time mostly, but I'm having so much anxiety. Thinking every second about how weird I am here, to all these malnourished people with bad teeth - the general population of flint, michigan - and feeling like I should just edit myself out. FUCK.
And my family says the weirdest shit to me. My aunt Jane, who I love, who is very smart and who i look exactly like, and who i get along with really well, said some really weird homophobic shit to me. Out of love. In a loving manner. Like, She just doesn't agree with this lifestyle. And it doesn't mean that she loves me any less, it just means she's afraid I might go to hell. NOW. Here's my motherfucking question... YOU GO TO CHURCH TO WORSHIP A GOD THAT YOU THINK WOULD SEND ME TO HELL FOR BEING A FUCKING HOMO!!??!! you still worship a diety that would damn my aunt dale to eternity in a burning lake of motherfucking fire because she married a quiet soft butch instead of a gun-toting drunken man?
WHAT????

But. I still love her. And I've been spending every day sitting poolside with her at her son's apartment. And mostly she's great... It's just that these people are a little twisted.

I've been writing in my journal a lot. The paper one. I write lists of things that i would like to have a conversation about, but I have to be weird and fake here. They look like this. If you'd like to engage, please please, do. Here or at festival. Because i just don't know if I'll get back to the internet anytime soon.

- weird jealousy.
- Aunt sal's family is falling apart... this is the family of Spencer, who turned 16 on sunday in jail.
- My aunt Dale is an assimilationist.
- My cousin bubby got in a wreck with no lisence and no insurance and his girlfriend now had a broken pelvis and 2 broken vertebrae. He looks like shit.
- My cousin maryanne moved to new mexice and wants to come home now but her mom got her a bus ticket and she didn't get on the bus. She's a fuck up. And a liar. and wants to come home because he boyfriend that she moved for is a liar.
- My cousin Nancy, spencer's mom. Fuck her. She's a fucking fuck.
- My cousin samantha and her husband are getting in fistfights. And their children are getting in trouble for hitting other kids. Like their cousins.
- Jesus on every wall.
- (other side) Nana, uncle Wayne, Aunt Kay, Aunt char. Singing will the circle be unbroken in nana's kitchen when I walked in. Cultish.
- genesee County. ruined by GM, Called "An automaton Alley County" on all the signs coming in. Hosting the BUICK open right now, who's official vehicles are really nice luxury SUV's. Home of the "UAW Sitdown Strike Memorial Highway" are you kidding?

That's it, i guess.
I'm ready to go home and put up my tent.

i almost forgot...

i also have some sort of infection, bladder, urinary tract, i don't know.... I have the juice, and i'm taking uristat.... but.. well, fuck. it's my first one.

I wanted to say, too.... that... well, you could call me if you wanted. But i might cry. Seriously, if you are up for it... I could seriously use the support from any of you.  i think that grover is great but she might need a break from my craziness. i've been feeling pretty loony.

love.