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Jun. 7th, 2008 08:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
charlz_lynnThe cycle of lonely really sucks. I believe this has been my loneliest year ever (yes, June is time to speak in base Year). It's alright. But there are days like today, when I'm really feeling it and I've spent the whole day in my basement studying by myself and I just keep looking at the computer or the phone or anything where anyone might try to reach me... check the mail a hundred times.... Nothing. But I don't pick it up, either.
Then it's night time. And there are things to do. Great, fun, social things... But I don't want to go be social. Cause I'm too lonely. Days like today just bug me. Nights like tonight are hard. Have I spent so much time alone that I forgot how to socialize?
It's so stupid.
Did I mention it's June? June is such a hard month for me. Always. July used to be worse, but now I'm already home for most of July. Shit man. Give me the woods and community and my mom, please. Put me under the sky and the trees. Tuck me in in a tent. I need to smell a thunderstorm coming, quick before my nose forgets my history.
This is the longest I've ever gone away from Michigan, too.... Like, my grandparents and everyone else. I think I am having post-traumatic stress over going back there, even for one day. After last year... I wish I could forget last year. I wish I could go back there, to one year ago, and shake some people.
It's weird to write posts like this, because most of the time I'm doing really well these days, and I don't often write about that. It just hits me occasionally how much time I've spent alone. What a different life this is than the life I had before and the life I expected to have right now (even post-breakup). I just want to go home. It's getting me today.
Then it's night time. And there are things to do. Great, fun, social things... But I don't want to go be social. Cause I'm too lonely. Days like today just bug me. Nights like tonight are hard. Have I spent so much time alone that I forgot how to socialize?
It's so stupid.
Did I mention it's June? June is such a hard month for me. Always. July used to be worse, but now I'm already home for most of July. Shit man. Give me the woods and community and my mom, please. Put me under the sky and the trees. Tuck me in in a tent. I need to smell a thunderstorm coming, quick before my nose forgets my history.
This is the longest I've ever gone away from Michigan, too.... Like, my grandparents and everyone else. I think I am having post-traumatic stress over going back there, even for one day. After last year... I wish I could forget last year. I wish I could go back there, to one year ago, and shake some people.
It's weird to write posts like this, because most of the time I'm doing really well these days, and I don't often write about that. It just hits me occasionally how much time I've spent alone. What a different life this is than the life I had before and the life I expected to have right now (even post-breakup). I just want to go home. It's getting me today.
