Spinning

[charlz_lynn]

I keep feeling so *off* and behind and unfocused. I'm buried in work, my first biology exam is tomorrow and if I don't fail it it will be sheer luck. Thank god for multiple choice! Anyway, this feeling. Ugh, it's no good. And I think "What is wrong with me?" Today it dawned on me. Three of my friends have died in the last two months. 

Holy shit.

No, I was not especially close to any of them, and they were all sick for a long time. One was my dear dear friend's dad, and no one thought he was going to leave us any time soon. But now he's gone. I was in his house all weekend, sleeping in the bed where he died. The place had amazing energy and it didn't feel weird, only surreal when I overthought it all. Being with my friend was amazing and Oliver and I are going back down there soon for some one-on-two time. 

 

When people in my life die, I try to fool myself into thinking I could have done more/been a better friend. Little bits of guilt and shame try to weasel themselves into my consciousness. I realize that a lot of the time while that might be true, it is never helpful. My relationship with V was extremely complicated. I will write more about this soon. I think it is important for me to put some things down about it in a place where some people who know us both will see. 

 

For now, I have to go. Really. The ten minutes to write this I didn't have to spare, but good lord my head has been spinning. I'm still longing for some kind of intimate connection with someone, too. Still actively looking, still nothing. The Universe is fucking with me, I think, and that's okay. I'll hold on tight to my sense of humor.

 

xo