charlz_lynn | fuck the doctor. (intensely moody post, be warned)

I went to the clinic here today because I am really convinced I have shingles on my fucking face. Right in the middle of my forehead. So, I went. And I saw a doctor. For about three minutes.I spent more time with the guy that took my temp and blood pressure... Anyway.

He came into the room where I was sitting in a chair and he was carrying an open laptop in his arm. He never sat down, he stood over me about a foot in front of me. Excellent bedside manner. First, before even looking at me, he said it's highly unlikely that I have shingles at my age, and it would be phenominal if I had them twice. Then he looked at my face and said "You think that's shingles? I don't think it's shingles." I said, it feels and looks exactly like the last time. He told me maybe that wasn't shingles. OKay, so, I have a blistery rash on my forehead, I've had a headache for days (he said at some point "lots of things cause headaches."), the kind of point-specific headache that comes with shingles, and it is almost exactly where my last shingles infection was... So, what is it?

Well, he wasn't interested in trying to figure out if it was something else or what that something was. He pointed out my 'blemishes' on the rest of my face TWICE (you know I love when people do that), stating that it could just be another blemish. I said "I've had zits my whole life, and zits are not itchy painful blistery rashes!" Fucking fuckwad. I could have killed him. Told me to come back Monday and then they could tell by the progression. (I have no idea if my insurance is going to cover this (that's a whole 'nother story.) In the mean time, he said, take benadryl and use cool compresses.

Here's a thing. I thought I was really handling my stress well. I mean, considering everything... I have ZERO dollars. I'm kinda pregnant. I'm still halfway living out of boxes. I may have a UTI. I'm concerned about the possibility of Group B Streptococcus hurting my baby. It was unclear for a minute whether or not I was going to get the insurance I need for the kind of birth I want (but it's all been sorted out as far as I can tell according to my overworked slightly uninformed case worker). Oh yeah, and my car was stolen. All this and I'm not a puddle on the floor all day every day, OR murdering people at the grocery store. Hey, I consider that pretty fucking good right now.

And now, I'm on vacation in a beautiful place where my mom lives and that's so wonderful. My lover is here until tomorrow or Monday. I held tiny baby turtles the size of half dollars. I get to relax and be hugely pregnant and eat well. So, I let my brow down and it gets all blistery. Guess I'm not handling it as well as I thought. Fucking patterns bite my ass.