Carsick

My mom called me earlier this week to let me know that she's been keeping the house at 48* because we're burning through oil way too fast. I cannot blame her for this strategy at all, because we just don't have the fucking money to spend many hundreds of dollars on oil per month. So. It's cold. Her phone call to tell me about the heat came while I was walking down the street in a t-shirt and hoodie in sixty degree sunshine in Seattle. It did not make me want to come home.
When I arrived at the airport yesterday morning she let me know that the house was also trashed. Which made me want to hide in Providence. I did for a day so I could watch the L Word tonight anyhow (ugh, i hate that show more and more, i wish i could stop watching it!).

Anyway. I am home now. It is quite chilly, but I have a lot of blankets. And it's messy, but I can clean it up tomorrow. Those things are not so bad. What is bad is that the Brute is way over on the other coast and we should just be in the same place. The time I spent in Seattle just now was incredible. I met so many of her people who feel like they will be my people, too. For a very long time. Like we will truly merge our communities in a way, as well as building on new friends in our home when we land... Community around farming and trading... veggies for milk for flowers for grains for eggs, etc.
These are the things I am dreaming about for the next 20 years of my life. I'm just ready to get started. I feel like I have been revving my engine for years to get to this point and now it's time to accelerate. This place, Onset; this place, not working or going to school; this place, being alone so much... feels too stagnant and too isolated. I know that working will solve a good bit of it, but really, I just want to put everything in my car, yet again, and drive out west.

For the next few months,  I need to concentrate on going to Providence more, writing more letters, and working. I also need to concentrate on being present with myself and my surroundings and my lover. Because a relationship based on wanting only is not fulfilling at all. I think that long-distance can become that even if that's not where it started.

Okay. I'm done. I think I repeated a great deal of what I posted last, but I will write it as many times as I have to. Now I'm going to curl up under my feather comforter and my 5 quilts and sleep and sleep.

I have now met the Brute's entire family -- minus one brother and his clan. And a whole bunch of her very important friends, too. Including her friend who is ten years old, with whom I am in serious friend love. I can't wait to spend more time with her -- the ten year old. I was more nervous meeting her than I was to meet the whole family (which happened the day after i arrived), because it's kinda like who gives a fuck if the family doesn't like me. Well, B, the friend, did like me, and I liked her, and we had a super super fun time that included going to Toys R Us and riding around the store on bikes and playing monkey in the middle. Sooooo good.

This whole trip has been a kind of whirlwind of social activity, and it's almost all been really good. The Brute's family was really sweet to me, and all the friends have been really sweet, too. It's nice to see that my girlfriend is surrounded by a crowd of amazing, kind, loving, fun, friendly people. And... a huge bonus for me... They seem to like me, too!

I have to admit that I don't ever want to leave. I want to just stay here and start our fucking life together right now. No waiting until June. No going back to my car that is sitting in Carlita's driveway on top of a huge sheet if ice. No lonely beautiful house where I spend too much time alone and cold. No electronic relationship. But I need to be happy with what i have while I have it. I get to see my mom almost every day and that is great. I get to cook nice food all the time, and I plan on making more efforts to see my friends in Providence. There's a potential new local date. I am going to be pregnant soon. I will spend more time crafting, and figuring out my sewing machine. And, most importantly, I am going to start working soon, whether for the census or something, anything else.

It's just fucking hard to think about leaving this temporary-but-soon-to-be-permanent life where I am blissed out for the one where I am not quite happy.

Oh, and one last thing... we went bowling today with d and g and it was a motherfucking blast.