Carsick

People, the baby is now officially a fetus! As of yesterday, actually. I am so happy about this, and very happy that I have one more month of first trimester which means soon I will (hopefully) have more energy, not feel nauseous all the time, and feel like having sex again regularly. I am also excited about the prospect of showing. My tits have outgrown a lot of my clothes. My one bra that still fits is a barely, but I am going to Nordstrom's soon to get a new one. The first maternity dress that I bought by accident for that wedding two years ago is not-quite holding my boobs. I have cleavage. WEIRD!! And, admittedly, awesome. I feel like I've earned it, cause these bitches hurt!

So, I think I have been pretty clear about the fact that I am super stressed about a job. That's still very true. I need to reign it in because all I can think is that all that stress is going right into my baby. Which makes me feel like I'm being a bad mother already.

Last night I had a dream that we were at Michigan, and we were being attacked. There were buildings there, and five or six of us were in this shack-like thing. Lots of gaps in the boards in the walls... We could see out, people were being chased and killed. Some of us decided to leave when things calmed down, and I was with them. We could tell them, if they stopped us, that I was going into early labor. But I was leaving everything in my tent, leaving behind everything I owned again, and maybe I could come back to it, but maybe not. It was very stressful and sad and scary. I am glad I couldn't tell who was being killed or who was doing the killing, everyone was just a dark figure. Damn.
The next dream i had was about a bowling alley. All the balls and shoes were everywhere and they were weird and vintage. There were also a lot of other random antique/vintage things lying about. Nothing was the right size. People were throwing bowling balls all over the place and I got hit a couple times. It was all just really frustrating.
Needless to say, I slept for shit.

Now I am going to go try and get a job. Wish me luck.

I don't feel good.
Last time i thought I bombed a calculus exam, I got a b on it. But that will not be the case with the one I just took. I think I left a quarter of the problems blank, or with question marks, and was shooting in the dark for 90% of the remainder.
I'm a mess right now, and  calculus has been at the absolute bottom of my list. Health concerns have finally moved up (which moved calc to the very bottom), at least to second, and my other classes are definitely more important to me now.
Floating around in my messiness is a lot of pain and itching. My heart hurts a lot lately. I'm premenstrual. I'm really really really lonely. I think I might put off the baby making until the fall, unless i somehow end up sleeping with a boy I trust on more levels than I even know any boys. i just cannot afford it. And I want it so bad that it's breaking my heart to not have it be it live it right now. I miss my family. All manners of family. Baaaaad. Did I mention I'm lonely? Well, i am. I have a fever. And, oh, yeah, eczema on my motherfucking vag. And in my ears. I think in my ears is the worst.
Also, lonely.
One good thing, I'm going to toshi's show tonight. So, there's one lost family member. And Tyler will be there. And P and E. I just hope i can make it until then without bursting into tears (fighting crying right now, fucking public). And a bonus would be not bursting into tears at the show.
One more good thing, I have quit wheat and sugar with a great deal more success than I thought possible from myself. The only sugar I've had is fruit, and that I feel okay about). I DID have a slice of pizza yesterday afternoon, then i think the itching got a lot worse from that. So. Am I allergic to wheat? I guess I'll find out. bummer.
At the naturopath i found out I have Labrynthitis, which means there's fluid in my Labrynth. Like, my ear tubes and stuff. (at least, that's what i think they were saying). So last night I did this weird thing involving putting on wet cotton socks, wool socks over them, and then going to bed. It felt kinda nice. And strange.
They also told me to take Dandelion, Oregon grape, and Benedryl (sp?) for the itching. She said stay off the wheat and sugar. I wish I had the ability to be more focused when at the doc, so I could make sure i really understand what they're saying to me.
Okay. I have to go somewhere. be outside or something.

i like kissing. I especially like having first kisses and then going home. Which is incredibly unlike me, because, well, I'm a trashy slut. But going home after a really nice date, sexual tension still intact, sometimes makes it even nicer.
I would most likely not have come home, but I have class tomorrow. And I skipped calculus on monday. I've been slacking a bit, and I htink it's okay because this term has been a relatively light load. but I'm still using "it's finals week" as an excuse for things, like being stressed out and isolating myself and not making plans. But then I go to do work, and I kinda freeze. So, I think what's happening is a slower, gentler anxiety than I'm used to, just about life and money and school and everything in the whole world. My room is a fucking mess. I'm behind in my school work - but not by much. I think it's possible that I don't have car insurance but I just can't quite deal with it, even enough to confirm the fact that I don't have it. That part's just stupid, really.
It just feels strange, I guess. I think I'll be able to get a better hold on things when jones and I come back from SF, and I get a little time to just be at home.
Oh, one thing I can't believe I almost forgot... DAVID MOVED OUT!!! yes! no more loogies in my sink! He left fucking dvd's from the video store in his room and a couple dishes, and I can't believe that, but he's GONE. I'm not allowed to live with boys any more. Icky. I never confronted him on the things that he did that made me so grossed out, instead I just avoided him. So there's a limit to how much I can bitch about him, really. But not much limit to how happy I can be to have a bathroom to myself again.
I'm going to get up early tomorrow and try to catch up on calculus. Related rates. SO that means I'd better sleep. now.
Did I mention I like kissing? And metalmouthed nerds? Oh, well, I do.