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Anticipation
Jul. 2nd, 2015 05:06 pmI'm getting Really Fucking Excited about Michigan. I mean, of course.... it's been so long. Random people keep popping into my mind and I get a new wave of excitement. Man. I've already written about most of these things on here, so... I'll leave it at that for now. There are f course the usual complicated feelings, too. Politics. Pain.
I'm having pretty intense separation anxiety with Jodie and Oliver. Oli's been with my mom all this week, and I miss him in a big way. It hurts in the pit of my gut. I think that the time away from him is going to be even harder now than the 6 weeks away when he was 2 and I went to Alaska. Maybe because I've known him longer? Maybe because he's even more interesting, and sweeter, and more interactive with me now than he was then. I don't know what it is, but it makes my boobs hurt just thinking about being gone so long.
And Jodie. She's my rock. I don't care how cliche that is. She's the only one in my life outside school I can really talk about science with. Or even, just talk like I talk without someone making fun of me for being a nerd. I know it's weird, but it's how I talk and it makes other people feel uncomfortable - I have it on good authority. Have I lost myself in science? Probably, but I think that's bitchin. Better than losing myself to Jesus. We had the most amazing debate about evolution last night. GOD I LOVE HER BRAIN.
It's been.... interesting.... to tell people that we're getting married. Honestly, I know I should not care about reactions. But there. I do. The first thing my mom said was "Ugh. Do I have to come?" No surprises there. The first thing my dad said was "To a man?!" then he proceeded to fight with me about gay marriage, wherein he told me that "his team" is going to fight this tooth and nail. Finally I said, "You know, Dad, can't you just fucking be happy for me?" And he said he is. Of course, all he wants is for me to be happy. What a load of shit. He doesn't want me to have reproductive rights, or marriage (which I mostly feel 'whatever' about anyway), he wants everyone to carry guns, and thinks all scientists are just paid to make shit up. He would have been over the moon had I met a man at the bar the night before and decided to get married. He would have felt like Jesus himself had been listening to his prayers all these years and finally came through for him.
My Nana said "Who is this girl?" Then shortly after "Well what am I supposed to say?" And she's the liberal one. How about "Congratulations"? She was elated when my cousin Nicole got married to an unemployed asshole who's 15 or so years older than her and has the rudest family she'd ever met. No big deal that he treats her like shit, she's getting maaaaaried! I'm so haaaaapy! Did I expect better? Seems like it. That was foolish. And let's not get me started on a handful of my friends, and Jodie's friends. At least her mom and sister had positive reactions. The people that I am closest with right now, like actually talk to occasionally, have been very positive as well. And I need to spend more time focusing on them. Not just around this, but in general.
I get it. It's weird. It's weird to me. It's weird to other people. I have said some things, and I'm not taking them all back. But here's my truth: I am in love with this person, and I would have been had I met her at any point earlier in our lives. I feel confident that as we age, I will still be in love with her, and she will still be in love with me. I want to promise her that I'm here for good. And for bad and for boring and for everything in between. I'm not going anywhere. I want to be holding hands when one of us dies, whoever goes first. I want to see all the things she does in the world with that beautiful brain for the rest of our lives. I want to fight with her, and figure out where that nasty shit is coming from, and come back together even stronger than before. It was pointed out to me today that I am incredibly impulsive person. I know this. I'm not disillusioned and thinking I'm the only one who has ever felt like this, or that anyone who ever felt like this didn't have a marriage that crashed and burned. I just really don't think that's going to happen to us, but I KNOW that if it does, we will be okay. We will be family forever.
We're going to get our rings tattooed tomorrow. Bone deep, in each other's handwriting, on The Finger. My heart feels full and happy in this.
I'm having pretty intense separation anxiety with Jodie and Oliver. Oli's been with my mom all this week, and I miss him in a big way. It hurts in the pit of my gut. I think that the time away from him is going to be even harder now than the 6 weeks away when he was 2 and I went to Alaska. Maybe because I've known him longer? Maybe because he's even more interesting, and sweeter, and more interactive with me now than he was then. I don't know what it is, but it makes my boobs hurt just thinking about being gone so long.
And Jodie. She's my rock. I don't care how cliche that is. She's the only one in my life outside school I can really talk about science with. Or even, just talk like I talk without someone making fun of me for being a nerd. I know it's weird, but it's how I talk and it makes other people feel uncomfortable - I have it on good authority. Have I lost myself in science? Probably, but I think that's bitchin. Better than losing myself to Jesus. We had the most amazing debate about evolution last night. GOD I LOVE HER BRAIN.
It's been.... interesting.... to tell people that we're getting married. Honestly, I know I should not care about reactions. But there. I do. The first thing my mom said was "Ugh. Do I have to come?" No surprises there. The first thing my dad said was "To a man?!" then he proceeded to fight with me about gay marriage, wherein he told me that "his team" is going to fight this tooth and nail. Finally I said, "You know, Dad, can't you just fucking be happy for me?" And he said he is. Of course, all he wants is for me to be happy. What a load of shit. He doesn't want me to have reproductive rights, or marriage (which I mostly feel 'whatever' about anyway), he wants everyone to carry guns, and thinks all scientists are just paid to make shit up. He would have been over the moon had I met a man at the bar the night before and decided to get married. He would have felt like Jesus himself had been listening to his prayers all these years and finally came through for him.
My Nana said "Who is this girl?" Then shortly after "Well what am I supposed to say?" And she's the liberal one. How about "Congratulations"? She was elated when my cousin Nicole got married to an unemployed asshole who's 15 or so years older than her and has the rudest family she'd ever met. No big deal that he treats her like shit, she's getting maaaaaried! I'm so haaaaapy! Did I expect better? Seems like it. That was foolish. And let's not get me started on a handful of my friends, and Jodie's friends. At least her mom and sister had positive reactions. The people that I am closest with right now, like actually talk to occasionally, have been very positive as well. And I need to spend more time focusing on them. Not just around this, but in general.
I get it. It's weird. It's weird to me. It's weird to other people. I have said some things, and I'm not taking them all back. But here's my truth: I am in love with this person, and I would have been had I met her at any point earlier in our lives. I feel confident that as we age, I will still be in love with her, and she will still be in love with me. I want to promise her that I'm here for good. And for bad and for boring and for everything in between. I'm not going anywhere. I want to be holding hands when one of us dies, whoever goes first. I want to see all the things she does in the world with that beautiful brain for the rest of our lives. I want to fight with her, and figure out where that nasty shit is coming from, and come back together even stronger than before. It was pointed out to me today that I am incredibly impulsive person. I know this. I'm not disillusioned and thinking I'm the only one who has ever felt like this, or that anyone who ever felt like this didn't have a marriage that crashed and burned. I just really don't think that's going to happen to us, but I KNOW that if it does, we will be okay. We will be family forever.
We're going to get our rings tattooed tomorrow. Bone deep, in each other's handwriting, on The Finger. My heart feels full and happy in this.
