Testing, testing

 Wow, there's a lot I want to say. I have to put it in two posts, though, because there are two very big and very separate topics I need to address here.

So. First.
 My child's teeth are growing in rotten.

Oliver has had teeth outside of his gums for about a month now. I love his little toothy face. So fucking cute! His top two teeth have big decay spots on them, right in front. Well, the second one just came in a week ago, and it has the same opaque, whiter white spot on it that the first one had before that spot turned into an indented brown spot. 

This is f r e a k i n g me out. There, I admitted it. I think I've been being rather nonchalant about it, but. Well. It is not normal. His doctor didn't seem to think it meant anything or that it was cause for alarm on any level. I'm a little bit over her. She doesn't give me enough science, mostly fluff. SO I called my midwife (who I haven't talked to since Oli was 2 months old. Sad! I miss her! She's amazing). 

So, here's the punch line: 
I called her to ask if this issue with his teeth could possibly be a manifestation of congenital syphilis. We talked about it, and though his titer seemed fine when he came out (and was he tested again? I can't believe I don't remember), AND although I had stage 2 syphilis and was treated for it at the end of the first trimester (which translates to 'very very VERY small possibility of it effecting the then-fetus'), it can cause teeth deformity. And it can also cause a sort of plateau in growth around three months. Which happened with Mr. Tinypants. 

If it is congenital syphilis, he can be treated for it and it will be all better, but the damage done already would be permanent (some decay on his temporary teeth, and he may not be as tall as he might have been otherwise). So we're going to his doc again tomorrow. He was going to have to get blood tests for his first year birthday (happy birthday!) anyway, so I figure we should just do it now, less than a month early. I need to either rule it our or treat it. And if it is negative, he's going to the dentist, like, now. 

So, that's that topic. On to the next post. 

And again.

I am posting this after a solid 12 hours of studying, then taking the train/busing home with  my 30lb book bag, oli's diaper bag, and a carseat, while wearing Oliver. I am not so articulate, but I need to purge some things. So bear with me, or don't. 

 Breaking up is weird. 

Casey and i have been together for over a year, and I have never seen her cry. She told me about when she was crying last time we broke up, but i wasn't there. She was crying today when she dropped Oli off at Cassia's, I guess. That made me really sad. Made me want to find her and hug her and make her feel better. 
 
Here's the thing. She's not crying about me, I feel pretty certain about this. She's crying about the way her relationship with is changing. I'm not saying this with any judgement or bad/hard feelings, just observing it.  I'm not crying either. 

I love her. I really do. But our relationship has been not good for most of the time we've been in it. Passionless. Joyless. Bickery. What finally pushed me over the edge was the fact that we're fighting in front of my son all the time. That is so unacceptable to me, yet I can't keep the tone out f my voice, the frustration out of my whole body.  I have mostly been tolerating the things about our relationship that I didn't like because she and O have such a good thing. But staying together 'for the kids'? Not the thing to do. Especially when staying together just means you're going to fight in front of them. 

There's a lot to figure out from this point. How do we proceed? I want her and O to keep their good thing. They are really very special to each other.... 

This is all so scattered and muddy.  I gotta go to bed. Like I said, just needed a little purge. I guess i should try doing it on paper sometime. That sounds nice.....