Warning. A whole lotta whiling going on right here.

I don't feel good.
Last time i thought I bombed a calculus exam, I got a b on it. But that will not be the case with the one I just took. I think I left a quarter of the problems blank, or with question marks, and was shooting in the dark for 90% of the remainder.
I'm a mess right now, and  calculus has been at the absolute bottom of my list. Health concerns have finally moved up (which moved calc to the very bottom), at least to second, and my other classes are definitely more important to me now.
Floating around in my messiness is a lot of pain and itching. My heart hurts a lot lately. I'm premenstrual. I'm really really really lonely. I think I might put off the baby making until the fall, unless i somehow end up sleeping with a boy I trust on more levels than I even know any boys. i just cannot afford it. And I want it so bad that it's breaking my heart to not have it be it live it right now. I miss my family. All manners of family. Baaaaad. Did I mention I'm lonely? Well, i am. I have a fever. And, oh, yeah, eczema on my motherfucking vag. And in my ears. I think in my ears is the worst.
Also, lonely.
One good thing, I'm going to toshi's show tonight. So, there's one lost family member. And Tyler will be there. And P and E. I just hope i can make it until then without bursting into tears (fighting crying right now, fucking public). And a bonus would be not bursting into tears at the show.
One more good thing, I have quit wheat and sugar with a great deal more success than I thought possible from myself. The only sugar I've had is fruit, and that I feel okay about). I DID have a slice of pizza yesterday afternoon, then i think the itching got a lot worse from that. So. Am I allergic to wheat? I guess I'll find out. bummer.
At the naturopath i found out I have Labrynthitis, which means there's fluid in my Labrynth. Like, my ear tubes and stuff. (at least, that's what i think they were saying). So last night I did this weird thing involving putting on wet cotton socks, wool socks over them, and then going to bed. It felt kinda nice. And strange.
They also told me to take Dandelion, Oregon grape, and Benedryl (sp?) for the itching. She said stay off the wheat and sugar. I wish I had the ability to be more focused when at the doc, so I could make sure i really understand what they're saying to me.
Okay. I have to go somewhere. be outside or something.

oh. the very best thing...

Tonight is the full moon and there is a lunar eclipse.
So. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Moody McMooderson.

(Please, goddess, let this make me bleed).

OH! one more thing...

Look! I searched labrynthitis. And Wikipedia told me this:

Labyrinthitis and anxiety

Chronic anxiety is a common side effect of labyrinthitis which can produce tremors, heart palpitations, panic attacks and depression. Often a panic attack is one of the first symptoms to occur as labyrinthitis begins. While dizziness can occur from extreme anxiety, labyrinthitis itself can precipitate a panic disorder. Three models have been proposed to explain the relationship between vestibular dysfunction and panic disorder (Simon et al., 1998):

• Psychosomatic model: vestibular dysfunction which occurs as a result of anxiety.

• Somatopsychic model: panic disorder triggered by misinterpreted internal stimuli (e.g., stimuli from vestibular dysfunction), that are interpreted as signifying imminent physical danger. Heightened sensitivity to vestibular sensations leads to increased anxiety and, through conditioning, drives the development of panic disorder.

• Network alarm theory: panic which involves noradrenergic, serotonergic, and other connected neuronal systems. According to this theory, panic can be triggered by stimuli that set off a false alarm via afferents to the locus ceruleus, which then triggers the neuronal network. This network is thought to mediate anxiety and includes limbic, midbrain and prefrontal areas. Vestibular dysfunction in the setting of increased locus ceruleus sensitivity may be a potential trigger.

I have totally been having panic attacks at nothing at all!! It started months ago, but so did the feeling that there was water in my ears!! Now i feel like something is on the right track. Finally.
And now I'm going outside, I swear.