I have a rash on my forehead. And I am pretty sure it's shingles. WHAT THE FUCK?! Please please no god no.

I should of course also mention I am having a great time on the Cape with my mumma and my family and the date.

Well, I did make I-80 choke. I am now a couple hundred miles onto 84, in Burley, Idaho. I'm starting a little slow today because I drove 16 hours yesterday. Over 1000 miles, barely. I am convinced that if I did not have to pee so much, I would have gotten to Mara's yesterday. Okay, maybe not, but damn! At least once every hundred miles, and usually twice!
The hotel I'm in had a waffle bar this morning. Woohoo!! And tonight m lover is making me Kale. !!!  Greeeeeeens!
Here are a couple more pictures. xoxox



Ok... 1. wind turbines in Iowa. 2. The Sod House Museum, which was closed. 3. BUffalo Bill, apparently.
4. The sign just before this one said "Friend -- Exit 369".Sadly I did not get a picture of that. 5. Buffalo Bill Museum. I won the roar down.

I just decided to leave tomorrow instead of today. It seems crazy, weather-wise. There's all sorts of shit going on in the middle of the country, and one storm in particular that I think I will miss by leaving tomorrow. There are also a lot of things for me to do around here, and if I go tomorrow I can do  that and that alone. Go. Nothing else. Pack the last little shit, go to the post office, the bank, the thrift store... all today. And wake up early enough to miss Boston traffic tomorrow. I hope this is the right decision, and I feel it is in my gut.
Lately I am trying to be more instinctual. It seems to be working, except for about food, because right now I don't have the instinct to eat anything... I'm queasy all the time when I eat. So. I have to ignore that one a little better than I have been, and just eat anyway. I'm not hungry at all, which I find unnerving. Except I am having these occasional protein fits. Like, I need a piece of meat NOW.
Another thing is yesterday my tits hurt SO BAD!! And it will only get worse, I know! Damn! There are veins showing up on them. Did you know that pregnant people produce four pounds of extra blood during pregnancy? Cool. I think that's fucking cool.

I just packed at least half of my belongings into my trunk. It feels good, but I may have one full day left of taking care of little things, cleaning, and packing when I get back from the tour. I hope not, because I just want to get on the fucking road to the Brute!! I am, of course, having that semi-freakout. What if it doesn't all fit? What I have left are a number of large things. I think all my clothes will fit in the cargo bag crash sent, and then bedding, sewing machine, one plastic tub, one box in the backseat. I don't like not being sure, but I really won't be able to do the rest until I get back.
That is all. Mostly, I feel great having a bunch of stuff carried down and packed neatly and tightly into my trunk.
Just keep breathing.

I'm not leaving for Seattle next Wednesday... because Toshi asked me to be her road manager on her tour with Ani Difranco through the south!! So, instead I am leaving next Thursday for New York, then Friday for Asheville!! These are the dates and where I will be:

3/14 Orange Peel Asheville, NC
3/15 Trustees Theater Savannah, Ga
3/17 Florida theater, Jacksonvoll, Fl
3/18 Club Cinema Pompano, Fl
3/20 Tampa Theater  Tampa, Fl
3/21 Variety Playhouse, Atlanta Ga.
3/22nd The Moon Tallahassee, Fl
3/24th Saenger Theater, Mobile Al.
3/25 House of Blues, NOLA


Do you see that last one? Hmm??? NOLA!!! We're going to spend an extra day there after the tour, and I want to see you if you are there!

I'm very excited about all this. Sad that I will not see my Brute for an additional two weeks, but happy that I will be having a really fun adventure and making a little chunk of change. I'm so thrilled.

xoxo

I think I will try and leave two weeks from today. On Wednesday the 11th. Holy shit.

I feel like I could throw everything in my car tomorrow and be on my way. But, i have a few things to take care of first. My glasses need to come. My title needs to come. I have one more shot with my donor, so, the donor needs to come. The bass will sell hopefully tomorrow, then the check needs to come. I have to get paid and get a good, thorough checkup of my car. And I guess I'd better finish getting the emissions stuff taken care of. It's been a tiny nightmare, and it ain't over like I expected it would be today.

Of course there are a few social things I'd like to take care of first, too. Goodbyes and stuff. Dinner with a friend on Friday and a visitor this weekend that I'm very excited about. And then next weekend, hopefully all the Providence gals will come and let me cook them dinner.

The thing is, I'm mainly packed. All my papers have been gone through, books are packed, loose photos and school paperwork... there are the last clothes and some odd boxes in the basement... My things are ready and it's just making me more antsy.

I just packed 3 garbage bags with clothing to go to the thrift. And one small bag of clothing to give to G and D. And I packed about 2/3 of the remainder of my clothing for the move. SHIT YEAH!! I feel super accomplished. Tomorrow I will empty out milk crates from the basement and start packing my books. I am feeling alternately hopeful and doubtful about everything fitting into and on top of my car.

Ah yes, my car. Umn... I got pulled over again the other day, on my way to try and sell my bass. I have a rejection sticker on my car from emissions testing. Well, I was thinking Surely I have some time to take care of this.... Maybe it can even just slide until I leave. Well, as it turns out, the particular rejection sticker I have means "Do Not Drive This Vehicle". It sure would have been nice of that asshole that inspected my car to say "Hey, this sticker means you cannot Drive This Vehicle," after his earlier "It's going to fail, honey," which was right after I told him it was going to fail because my check engine light was on. Yeah dude, that is exactly what I just said. Fucking prick.
Sooo.... I got pulled over, in Newburyport, MA. By a big ole bear of a guy. With my bass in the front seat and my mom in the back. He was very nice and gave me a written warning only. He said, as I was getting my bass out, "I'll just give you a warning unless you're a murderer or something." He very easly could have impounded her again.
So we dropped Millicent off at an emissions repair guy that evening. That was Wednesday. Now it is Friday, after five, and they told me it will not be done until Monday. Yeah. My car is in the shop all weekend. Fortunately, I have my mom's car. But, way annoying. And way hundreds of dollars I was not planning on spending. Shit.

This last weekend I took a spontaneous trip to NY for Toshi's birthday party and ohmyfuckinggod what a great thing it was. I couldn't have done it without my weekend sugar mama, and I'm gonna have to think up some nice present to make for her. It's so important to me, I'm realizing from living without it, to be around *my people*, feel cute and loved and to see the people I am full of so much love for. This isolation is really tough and tricky, and I need to find the means to get out of here often for the next few months that  live here.

About that. Few months may be innaccurate, because if I can come up with the money (AND the fetus, heh), I am going to leave in April. My mom and I had a conversation in which she said I should go when I want to go nad not feel bound by the lease. I feel bad leaving her here, but... I am losing my marbles, in case I haven't made that clear enough. And she said "I'm your mom, you're supposed to leave me."
She's always full of the gems.

So. What does that mean? It means I need some fucking money. I'm trying to get into a sleep study. One is 14 days and nights and pays around two grand, and another I just saw is more like 40 days and nights and pays over 9 grand. I wonder if I could do that while trying to get knocked up. I could keep secrets. It's tricky. I haven't heard back yet so I don't know the whole deal or process. I feel like I'm hustling, but regular work is not presenting itself. The census may still contact me, they said four to six weeks, and it hasn't been that long yet. But shit, there's just not work here. This is a first for me. I am also trying to sell my bass. I don't like this fact, but it is true,  I just don't play the thing any more. I've shipped it across the country three twice already, as well. I have had dreams of playing it again, but if it will finance my move.... Sigh. If you know anyone that wants to buy a nice bass for 2100 bucks....

It seems the perfect living situation has presented itself so I can live in Seattle and not with The Brute for the first few months - until Festival. Her good friend has a room to rent only until mid-July. For super cheap. And she's willing to take work trade, which might be re-tiling her bathroom. Fun!  We might actually get to live in the same town and date for a few months before settling down and cohabitating. Shit motherfucking yeah!

Did I mention I'm madly in love? Well. It's true.

i just finished watching season one of Heroes. Pretty good, and now it's hard to not move right on to season two. I must not, because it took less than a week to watch season one. Which means it took way too much of my time. I'm really into stepping into fantasy lands right now. I read the first two Eragon books in NC, and I just bought the third. The writing is not that great but the story really grabbed me. Straying into the lives of characters with super powers is filling some need I have right now, though I don't quite know what it is.

On another note, I feel like shit a little bit. Sore throat, trying not to cough cause coughing hurts in my lungs. My energy feels okay. I'm all packed for Seattle. God damn. I'm so ready to be in bed with my Brute. Or in a car with her. Or a hotel. Or a park. Or a fast food restaurant, even, hell.  Carlita's gonna give me a ride to airport at 4:45am Friday. Shit yeah. 12:50 I'll be in Seattle. Then we have the whole day plus two weeks. I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

I leave today.

I was up all night thinking about many many things, but foremost... I don't really know where I'm going. Growing up at Festival has had eight million positive effects on my life. All the people I would not have been influenced by if I hadn't gone have changed my life in ways I can only imagine. If I hadn't grown up there, I might still be in Toledo Ohio. Maybe I'd be a housewife. Maybe an electrician. Maybe I'd be in the Army. Maybe I'd have overdosed on drugs in high school..... Who knows. And maybe this negative effect of festival would still exist to: I don't know where Home is. Well, I do, for 6 weeks of the year. But now, here I am, leaving another town, having not stayed anywhere more than 9 months in the last two years, and I'm going to the East coast, sure, but where?

My mom was offered a job in Fall River, RI - near Providence - yesterday, so she might move off the cape. And I'm following her around now. I don't feel like I'm leaving Portland to move Home. I feel like I'm being shot off into space and could land anywhere. What if I was offered some incredible job while at Michigan, an offer to go somewhere completely unexpected where I could still have my baby?

It's dangerous for everything I own to be in my car. So dangerous.