charlz_lynn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
charlz_lynn) wrote2006-04-12 10:53 pm
charlz_lynn) wrote2006-04-12 10:53 pm
begin the insanity.
today i stood in my bedroom for about 20 minutes looking around and doing NOTHING. no, no. it's not that i have nothing to do, it was simply one of those moments that seem to be happening a lot as of late where i freeze. just stop, and freeze. think about all that i have to do and in what length of time, and then cannot do anything. good lord.
lately, also, i've been having trouble sleeping. when i go to bed, i have a tendency to lie there and take inventory in my head, think about how i will pack things, think about the porch, and what i have left to do on it before i leave, try really hard to make myself remember everything. i'm losing sleep, and it's problematic.
but i am close. i probably only have 2 more boxes to pack other than what i'm carrying on the train, and there is only a little more running around to be done. more thrift runs. and jbj is helping me move all my worldly possessions to the train station to ship on saturday. i leave on wednesday. my god.
i sold a lot of my books to powell's. i had to go to both stores, but i got $120! crazy, huh?
okay, i need to go find out who got kicked off american idol so i can try and sleep.
OH! there is something else i wanted to write about...last night i was walking down Lombard and a little white car pulled up in front of me and slowed way down. that's when i freak out, but i just didn't look at them. it was like years and years of harrassment in Toledo coming back in a flash, so I ignored it. then they threw a taco bell cup full of what i'm guessing was mountain dew at me and it hit me in the leg. the walk home was really terrifying. all i could do was bounce between really pissed and really scared while envisioning what they would do when they drove by again, and then what they would do when they realized i was a woman. i'm sick of this shit. i haven't had to deal with much of it in portland, i'm just really tired of being afraid all the time.
which doesn't take any prompting. i can't listen to music when i'm walking down the street, because I always expect someone to attack me from behind. i'm constantly watching shadows and listening for whatever bad thing is looming out of sight. it's ridiculous, and i know that i'm in control of whether or not i live like that, but i really don't know how to make it stop.
lately, also, i've been having trouble sleeping. when i go to bed, i have a tendency to lie there and take inventory in my head, think about how i will pack things, think about the porch, and what i have left to do on it before i leave, try really hard to make myself remember everything. i'm losing sleep, and it's problematic.
but i am close. i probably only have 2 more boxes to pack other than what i'm carrying on the train, and there is only a little more running around to be done. more thrift runs. and jbj is helping me move all my worldly possessions to the train station to ship on saturday. i leave on wednesday. my god.
i sold a lot of my books to powell's. i had to go to both stores, but i got $120! crazy, huh?
okay, i need to go find out who got kicked off american idol so i can try and sleep.
OH! there is something else i wanted to write about...last night i was walking down Lombard and a little white car pulled up in front of me and slowed way down. that's when i freak out, but i just didn't look at them. it was like years and years of harrassment in Toledo coming back in a flash, so I ignored it. then they threw a taco bell cup full of what i'm guessing was mountain dew at me and it hit me in the leg. the walk home was really terrifying. all i could do was bounce between really pissed and really scared while envisioning what they would do when they drove by again, and then what they would do when they realized i was a woman. i'm sick of this shit. i haven't had to deal with much of it in portland, i'm just really tired of being afraid all the time.
which doesn't take any prompting. i can't listen to music when i'm walking down the street, because I always expect someone to attack me from behind. i'm constantly watching shadows and listening for whatever bad thing is looming out of sight. it's ridiculous, and i know that i'm in control of whether or not i live like that, but i really don't know how to make it stop.
no subject
my house is a constant sty because of it....i cant get past the breaking point of hopelessness im afraid....
but the good news is....my house is good and lived in!!!
keep your chin up baby....i know its hard out there...and its a screwed up world.....but you...you are above all that.....but it wont stop baby..until we all realize its going on...keep talking about it....and we will all be here to back you (i WILL come out there you know!!)
mad love chaz...take care of you!!