charlz_lynn (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
charlz_lynn) wrote2006-04-12 10:53 pm
charlz_lynn) wrote2006-04-12 10:53 pm
begin the insanity.
today i stood in my bedroom for about 20 minutes looking around and doing NOTHING. no, no. it's not that i have nothing to do, it was simply one of those moments that seem to be happening a lot as of late where i freeze. just stop, and freeze. think about all that i have to do and in what length of time, and then cannot do anything. good lord.
lately, also, i've been having trouble sleeping. when i go to bed, i have a tendency to lie there and take inventory in my head, think about how i will pack things, think about the porch, and what i have left to do on it before i leave, try really hard to make myself remember everything. i'm losing sleep, and it's problematic.
but i am close. i probably only have 2 more boxes to pack other than what i'm carrying on the train, and there is only a little more running around to be done. more thrift runs. and jbj is helping me move all my worldly possessions to the train station to ship on saturday. i leave on wednesday. my god.
i sold a lot of my books to powell's. i had to go to both stores, but i got $120! crazy, huh?
okay, i need to go find out who got kicked off american idol so i can try and sleep.
OH! there is something else i wanted to write about...last night i was walking down Lombard and a little white car pulled up in front of me and slowed way down. that's when i freak out, but i just didn't look at them. it was like years and years of harrassment in Toledo coming back in a flash, so I ignored it. then they threw a taco bell cup full of what i'm guessing was mountain dew at me and it hit me in the leg. the walk home was really terrifying. all i could do was bounce between really pissed and really scared while envisioning what they would do when they drove by again, and then what they would do when they realized i was a woman. i'm sick of this shit. i haven't had to deal with much of it in portland, i'm just really tired of being afraid all the time.
which doesn't take any prompting. i can't listen to music when i'm walking down the street, because I always expect someone to attack me from behind. i'm constantly watching shadows and listening for whatever bad thing is looming out of sight. it's ridiculous, and i know that i'm in control of whether or not i live like that, but i really don't know how to make it stop.
lately, also, i've been having trouble sleeping. when i go to bed, i have a tendency to lie there and take inventory in my head, think about how i will pack things, think about the porch, and what i have left to do on it before i leave, try really hard to make myself remember everything. i'm losing sleep, and it's problematic.
but i am close. i probably only have 2 more boxes to pack other than what i'm carrying on the train, and there is only a little more running around to be done. more thrift runs. and jbj is helping me move all my worldly possessions to the train station to ship on saturday. i leave on wednesday. my god.
i sold a lot of my books to powell's. i had to go to both stores, but i got $120! crazy, huh?
okay, i need to go find out who got kicked off american idol so i can try and sleep.
OH! there is something else i wanted to write about...last night i was walking down Lombard and a little white car pulled up in front of me and slowed way down. that's when i freak out, but i just didn't look at them. it was like years and years of harrassment in Toledo coming back in a flash, so I ignored it. then they threw a taco bell cup full of what i'm guessing was mountain dew at me and it hit me in the leg. the walk home was really terrifying. all i could do was bounce between really pissed and really scared while envisioning what they would do when they drove by again, and then what they would do when they realized i was a woman. i'm sick of this shit. i haven't had to deal with much of it in portland, i'm just really tired of being afraid all the time.
which doesn't take any prompting. i can't listen to music when i'm walking down the street, because I always expect someone to attack me from behind. i'm constantly watching shadows and listening for whatever bad thing is looming out of sight. it's ridiculous, and i know that i'm in control of whether or not i live like that, but i really don't know how to make it stop.