i'm so in-my-brain lately.

[charlz_lynn]

Today I've been thinking a lot about all the gadgets I have... My graphing calculator. ipod. cell phone. laptop. digital voice recorder.
it gives me a very strange class dysphoria, having all these things.
I don't have the words to go more deeply into this... it's just spinning around.

another thing - the space has been really nice, much needed, very helpful. but... i have to keep reminding myself of that. So i can try not to miss her and dissuade myself from trying to be friends right now. I have to remember some key phrases and that helps, but usually puts me in a mad place. I hate wishing people were different.

i just realized that there's no one in my life i'm really really close to right now. no one who knows everything. no one who i talk to every day. no one who would realize right away if I went missing. I'm finally feeling happy again, in general (however stressed out), but there's this lingering loneliness that's biting my ass. Hard. Romance (or whatever) is fun, but everything in my life seems like it's on such a shallow level right now. I don't really function like that. I function more on the bile level...
I wonder if it will all be different when this term is over; when i have a second to breathe again and can come out of my hole. Or will I just stay in my hole? Shit man.

Comments

we are the same

[janespeed.livejournal.com]

all these gadgets. the apartment. the new furniture. clothes. who am i now? (of course my sitch is totes different).

also, nobody i'm really close to. nobody knows EVERYTHING. and i'm finally feeling happy again.

Re: we are the same

[charlz-lynn.livejournal.com]

not to mention....

xo

[avnerd.livejournal.com]

i hear you. sometimes i am surprised by the fact that i have an ipod, or the macbook...even though the -$1500 balance in my bank account until recently quite clearly explained the macbook...

anyway, it's weird to have this stuff and sometimes i have these bizarre moments walking down the hall at school where i want to just throw one of these fancy things down on the ground, to break it and prove that a) i don't need it or b) i don't deserve it...don't know which, maybe it depends on the day.

meh. class dysphoria is a wild ride, hang on for dear life.

[charlz-lynn.livejournal.com]

ooh, breaking things! I don't usually get that feeling. But I do want to hide them... esp. on the bus. I'm ashamed that I spent money on such frivolous gadgets... except their frivolity is questionable, especially now that i'm writing.
Weeee....