Baby

Oct. 16th, 2009 09:29 am
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I haven't written on here in depth about my pregnancy or the baby in far too long. So, here's an update.

Oliver is super active. Pretty much any time I sit down he's thumping around and I can see him moving in there. His little butt pushes my belly out. It's pretty much the most wonderful thing I've ever seen or felt. I'm almost at 34 weeks. My belly button is really shallow, and if I press around it, it pops out. Creepy! I can push it out so I can see where all the skin meets. I like showing people because it grosses them out.

So, physically, this has gotten really uncomfortable. It's hard to fall asleep, and once I do I wake up all the time. I think it's hormonal, the waking up. Like my body is saying "Better get used to this, mama." I feel incredibly grateful that I can just sleep as much as I need to, and I don't have to go to work or anything (though it would be great to be working, too...). So I don't have to be stressed about waking up. I have no idea where any more room is going to be made. How are these stretch marks not going to rip open? How could my organs get smushed any more? Well, I guess we'll find out.

I think I am going to push for the second ultrasound because of the shingles. I have an appointment with my midwives on Wednesday, the day after I get back. I'm looking forward to checking in because of the shingles, and I might possibly have UTI, and I'm getting tested (maybe not this time...?) for group b streptococcus. I'm going to try and set up a pediatrician, and talk at length with them about vaccinations and other post-natal stuff.

Well. That's all I got right now. I'm getting really excited about meeting my son. And really excited about the birthing process. And about thanksgiving. And my baby shower. Oh yeah, I'm working on setting up a paypal. Actually, Joey set it up for me because she's an angel (thanks Joey!). I just gotta figure out the bank thing... It feels like there's a lot to do when I get home. I just have to work on doing a little tiny bit every day. One step at a time.

Hope everyone's having a good day.
xo

Registry.

Sep. 21st, 2009 12:56 am
charlz_lynn: (Default)
Well, I made an online registry. I am going to make a more complete list and an invite to the shower/party sometime, but for now... here's my list if you feel like taking a look:
http://www.thethingsiwant.com/charlz_lynn/list/oliver/

This was a pretty cool and easy tool to use. Thanks, [profile] hatched_chicken , for showing me to your friend's list. That was super helpful!

It's also very weird to ask for things. Very very weird. I spent a lot of time putting some of this small (but expensive!) registry together... researching diapers and cosleeping bassinets and other stuff... And it will continue to grow. But everything seems so expensive to me. That last bit deserves a whole other post. I gotta go to sleep.

xoxo

charlz_lynn: (Default)
I had a dream last night that I had the baby. BUt she was three months premature. She was still a huge baby, a girl, I named her madeline. But not long into the dream I became convinced that I had actually not given birth yet. My belly was still big, I was still taking pictures of it, and not of the baby. I was still going to have an ultrasound in the next week (which is true in the present, waking reality). Everyone else was saying this is your baby, but i didn't believe them. I loved her, but there was still a baby in me and I wasn't producing milk to feed her because she was born so early -- or not my baby at all. It was all very strange.
When I woke up I was unsure for a minute whether or not I was still pregnant, or if there was a baby nearby I was supposed to be taking care of. I guess this is a pretty normalish pregnancy anxiety dream....

Also, all I ever talk about on here is pregnancy anymore. I'm okay with it, but sorry if it's boring.

Motherhood

Jun. 26th, 2009 12:15 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I have maternity jeans now. Someone said I probably don't need them yet, but I think I do, because none of my pants will button, and when they do, they hurt me when I sit down. Anyway, they are actually cute. I also got this strange orange sherbet-colored summery maternity tank top and a cute dress. This shit is super girly. And I feel cute (cutesy)  in it. It's hard to feel tough in sherbet-colored clothing, though.

So, here's the thing...Double D... )

Anyway. Michael Jackson died. Can you even believe that? And Farrah Fawcett on the same day? And Ed McMann earlier this week? What is going on? 
It was very strange to hear, from Double D's friend, that MJ had died while we were roaming around downtown. Then suddenly everyone everywhere was talking about it. We heard a gay man on the phone with someone saying,  "Michael Jackson can't die. You're fucking with me, right?" The gays seemed to know first. Then it was everywhere. Wild. I was going to post a video, but the ones I want have embedding disabled. Ah well. You know where YouTube is.
xo

17 weeks.

Jun. 23rd, 2009 12:51 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
That's how pregnant I am, as of yesterday. And oh boy, it's showing! Strangers haven't started talking to me about it yet, and I better enjoy that for now.

So, what's going on in little Avery's world this week? Well, let me tell you...
The baby's bones are hardening through a process called ossification. First to harden are the bones in it's ears and legs. The bones in its ears are now developed enough that the baby can hear!! (If my child is a hearing child, that is.) I can hardly believe this. It's funny, last night was the first time I had a really strong urge to read to the baby, and I just read about this in the book this morning. I guess I won't pack my small collection of children's books just yet.
The baby can also swallow now. It's swallowing a lot of amniotic fluid, while practicing. It's also yawning and hiccuping, and has finger prints. Next Thursday Mara and I are going to go get an ultrasound and we get to see the kid for the first time. I am freaking out about this. So excited.
The other thing I think I mentioned is that I felt it kick the night I got back from NY. I've felt it, I think, twice more since then. Now I'm in the prime window to start feeling it move more often.

Okay, now I am off to get more shots in my ass. Woohoo!
charlz_lynn: (Default)
God damn motherfucking clothes. Grrrr.

plans

Jun. 17th, 2009 06:29 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
So. Here I am. Back in Seattle after the most wonderful trip across country with Dawn and the most wonderful party with so many beloveds. I of course didn't want to leave Providence, I wanted to hang out with my mom and have no responsibilities instead of flying back and being lonely and having my very limited responsibilities. I'm anxious about getting the amount of work I agreed to finished where I live. It seemed like so little before I was nauseous, dizzy, and sleepy all the time. 20 hours a month? That's nothing! But now it's down to 35 hours in two weeks. And moving.

Ah, yes. Moving. So, the plan is that I am moving back to The Wayward. I just got off the phone with Margot. She and Ree both let me know very clearly that they wanted me to come back. That was incredibly helpful because I don't know if I could have asked... but, Margot's phone call to say "We don't just mean 'It's okay if you need to crash here,' but we want you to come live with us," Well, that did the trick for me. I'll be moving my stuff down there starting next week, likely in two trips. I have to say, I'm very excited. Seattle is nice, but I am really lonely not being around people I've known forever. And, too much city. And, I never wanted to live in Seattle in the first place, that was never the plan...

All in all, this feels right. Everything is falling into a place that feels right, and OHP (Oregon Health Plan) covers home births, but you can't apply for it until third trimester. Weird. But, that's what I'll do.

Mara and I had a closure meeting with my midwife today and heard the baby's heartbeat again. 130 bpm. It's incredible to hear it. Infuckingcredible. The baby also kicked me Monday night, and that was amazing, too. I could never have imagined loving something this much, this big. I don't know if I could ever have imagined feelings this strong on any level. What a fucking blessing. Right now I feel like my life is so full of blessings...

Belly.

Jun. 3rd, 2009 11:48 am
charlz_lynn: (Default)
My belly is bigger every day and I don't know how to dress myself. I have some ideas that I can't afford to supply myself, so for now I'm wearing exercise pants and whatever I have that will fit over the baby bump. I really think I'm quite large for 14 1/2 weeks, but I haven't gained any weight so I no longer believe I'm carrying eighteen babies.

Well, I'm babysitting the cutest dog in the world. And I'm off to the park to walk her and myself and the baby.
charlz_lynn: (Default)


I've never been good at remembering to take pills...but I guess when there are this many it is harder to forget. This is morning's share.

charlz_lynn: (hedgehog)
Life, that is.

This has been a pretty intense week, that is for sure. But I feel like I am coming up for air, maybe even to lie on the beach for a while.

I just had a really lovely hang out with M. We had a nice walk, hung out at her place, then she helped me in a way that was really practical and, well, helpful. Our conversations were smooth and easy. I love her so much. I really do. I'm grateful for our relationship, and grateful that we have our friendship now. We're both really just doing what we have to do and doing it all with a lot of respect for one another.

Now I have all the vitamins I need and a bunch of carrot juice and carrot, beet, celery juice in the fridge. I wanna drink it all right now but I might turn orange and poo red for the rest of my life. It could be worse, huh?

I've never been taking this many pills my whole life.

It's been a hot and beautiful day. I haven't cried yet today, and I didn't cry yesterday. I know it's okay to cry, but god damn, I needed a little break. My eyes, my heart. Now my ass/sciatic nerve deserves a break... maybe if I just keep stretching it will go away, but sometimes the stretching makes it feel worse.

I want to say, again, that I feel really held and supported by all of you who I know read this. Having a large community, even if I can't 'see' you, really, helps me in ways I could never express. Sometimes I feel like that hedgehog in my icon.... Like, maybe I'm about to fall off... then someone puts a little finger on the table to steady everything and I can hold myself up again. So. Thanks.

xoxo

Weekend

May. 25th, 2009 07:51 pm
charlz_lynn: (baby)
Well, my panic of the weekend has subsided quite a bit. I dunno if I really laid the panic out here, but i was feeling it for sure. I'm feeling pretty grounded again (for now) and ready to move on to the next step.

I don't want all my strategizing to overshadow my heart pain too much. But... well, it has some. I've been really focused on how I am going to survive and make a home for myself and my baby after Michigan, but I need to also make space to grieve my relationship with Mara. I am trying to not make this just about what could have been different/what I could have done differently. Because it seems, really, like all either of us could have done is ignore the things that weren't working. Or pretend things worked for us that didn't. Sigh. It's a lot to think about. We're rally awesome friends. At least we have that.

I am thirteen weeks pregnant today. Today I felt like I looked pretty pregnant, but then when I took this picture I felt more bloated-looking. Anyway..... I made myself lactate for Dawn and Tyler and Mara, too. That  was funny and embarassing and totally weird. My boobs are getting huge. Here are pictures of my body. Nakedish.
 

fruity

May. 14th, 2009 12:51 am
charlz_lynn: (Default)
There seems to be a rash of tiny bumps on my lips, possibly strawberry induced (?). I dunno, but I want it to go away. I've been a bit skin-itchy lately too, other places. Random. Or not? I dunno. I do not want to play the "what allergy is this" game right now. Not that I've ever completed a full round of that game anyway, but c'mon. I'm pregnant. That's enough to process with my body right now.
Also, sleeping for shit. I had a date last night and slept over. I don't have an lj name for her yet... Anyway. All night. Sleep, wake up feeling like I had slept a while only to look at the clock to discover it has been ten minutes. Take forever to drift off again. Wake up, thinking "well that was a good stretch." Fifteen minutes. Or five. Or half an hour. The entire night. I think the baby is like, "Ma, what the hell? You slut! Wae up! Who the hell is this trick and where's my Mapa?"
No, I don't feel guilty, but the kid is trying to change that, I think, by waking me up all night. (I know, I know... it's probably not little Avery directly, but the hormones... blah blah. It's more fun to blame the baby. :) If any of you wonder where this comes from, introduce yourself to my mother. )

Monday marks the end of the first trimester. I think I should throw a fucking party.

charlz_lynn: (Default)

Week 11:

 Your baby (now about two inches long) has been pretty busy this week, growing hair follicles, fingernails, and ovaries (if she's a girl). She has distinct human characteristics by now, with hands and feet in front of the body, ears nearly in their final shape, open nasal passages on the tip of her tiny nose, a tongue and palate in the mouth, and visible nipples. Hooray!

(from what to expect.... I prefer the mayo clinic guide... more sciencey) 

So, yes. This is what is going on in there. Out here, all I want to do is sleep sleep sleep. It's a little crazy. I am happy with 12 hours per night. Very happy. What else is going on? Constipation? yes. Gas? yes. Bloating? yes. Showing? yes. Tits sore? yes. Nipples changing color? yes. My cunt is also a completely different cunt. It's very strange, to have that particular part of me practically unrecognizable so early in the game. I have totally been having food aversions and cravings. It's not like I get a hankering for something, but more like I see someone with fried chicken and I MUST have it NOW. Or I hear the words mac and cheese and I will not be satisfied until it's in my mouth. Funny. 

Today we chose a different midwife, someone in Olympia. Her name is Audrey. She's Jewish, and very lovely on the phone. She's also good friends with the midwife we were going to go with here. We meet her Wednesday. I'm really fucking excited, and really happy we found a Jewish midwife. Mara's a Jew, and we want to raise the baby Jewish, and since I'm not I feel like really, the more Jews involved the better. I got all my insurance crap sorted out today, too. And marbles is buying a car right now. It's a TCB kind of day. 

I also just finished the first GSA meeting that people showed up to. It was wonderful. I am pretty sure all the kids there were straight, and we spent most of the time talking about what GLBTIQQ all stand for and how fucking complicated it is... And we brainstormed about future meetings. The kids were AMAZING. I'd like to come with more resources next week. Gotta get on the phone. I have been having such a hard time getting phone-related things done lately. It's part of just wanting to sleep, I think. 

Well. I haven't had internet access, cause I've been house sitting. I'm waiting for the brute now, on her computer, so playing catch up, or trying to. I feel out of the LJ loop. 

xoxo

pile up

May. 1st, 2009 02:04 pm
charlz_lynn: (baby)
Do you ever go a while without posting and then it seems too overwhelming to try and catch up? Yeah, me too. So, I'm not really going to try and catch up much, because not that much has even happened. Everything is just very overwhelming...

I got a couple temp jobs. Two and a half days at one and one day at the other. The first was rolling "Alaska" tee shirts and putting them in "Alaska" hats and bundling them together with "Alaska" elastics. Oh boy! And the second was packing Bacon Salt and Baconnaise into boxes for shipping. Both were fine, and took up all of my energy for everything.

I am so tired! And I have been feeling pretty crappy most of the time. Last night I got a little worried because I was all dizzy and started getting a little clammy/sweaty while I was making dinner. Of course, the dizziness is normal, I just forgot. It has to do with all the extra blood in my body, my heart working harder. And Ive had a pretty wicked headache off and on for weeks for the same reason. Dull, but wicked. It is nothing compared to my migraine days, and I am thanking the universe for that.

This week the baby will start making fingernails. Next week, genitals. Holy shit. Every tiny thing is so very exciting to me. And to Mara, and my mumma.

I have been feeling very loved and supported by my Brute. She's really incredible, and has been dealing with my pukey, low-energy self very gently. I can't even say how much that means to me. Her graduation is coming up quick. So fucking exciting. June 21st, two days after her birthday. There is going to be a big ol' party and lots of people in town. I feel pretty damn lucky to be along for this part. She's the first person to graduate in her family, and it's happening on Father's Day. Whoa.

Well, we're going to go out car shopping now... for her. After I go pick up my first check from the temp agency... They called this morning and I turned down a little work. It was for today and I could not at all make myself think about getting up. I maybe should have gone, but my body would have been pretty mad.

This post is scattery. Ah well.

Midwifery

Apr. 22nd, 2009 06:56 pm
charlz_lynn: (baby)
So, we met with our potential midwife today. We would be working with a team of three through this facility. Rainy City Midwifery. It was really lovely. Some hard shit came up that we haven't talked about... stuff i have been thinking about, but it hit us both kinda hard. The brute more than me, i think, because I think I was just more prepared for this kind of conversation. Do we do genetic screening? What if the kid has spina bifida or trisomy 18 or down's syndrome? The thing is, the chances are so slim, especially given my age, so I feel kinda casual about it. Anyway, we have talking to do. And then there's the question about moving to Olympia before the birth/switching care in the final trimester or coming up here for the birth... It's a hard call and it may mean staying in Seattle for a few extra months. Like I said, a lot of talking to do.

One thing I liked about the midwife is that she told me to eat comfort food. Carbs, starch, TACO BELL! So, that's what I'm doing. She said most women peak with their nausea and discomfort around week 11, and I'm at week 9. I have been nauseous all the time, and it's very distracting. I've also been so sleepy at points I don't know if I'll be able to keep my eyes open for another minute. I took a 2 hour nap today and I wanna sleep more now.

We have a date tonight, and I'm very much looking forward to it. It's not easy feeling not well all the time, as many of you know for reasons that are not pregnancy and do not go away after shoving a baby though your pelvis. It makes it hard to show up often. Soon this trimester will be over and hopefully I can be a little more myself.

I feel a bit like a broken record, but whatever. I'm just gonna keep processing what  I need to in the moment.
charlz_lynn: (hippo!)
Well, I went to a temp agency today. It was alright, and I feel like it will be fruitful. One good thing is that they don't have any jobs that pay less than nine bucks an hour. I mean, it would be cool to make twelve, but whatever. Really, I just hope to make between one nad two hundred bucks a week, and not lose my benefits - food stamps, WIC, medical coupons. I didn't mention those things, but I felt like I was already in such a small bracket of employability because of my time restrictions.
I didn't wirte yet about what I might be doing with my girlfriend's bff's high school -- she works there. As a counselor, I believe. And she has a small amount of money to give to someone to run an after-school class or something. But, we couldn't find anything I can teach them... BUT here's the thing-- they need a facilitator for the GSA meetings. And she asked me to do it!! I think it's like fifty bucks a week, one meeting per week. I get to hang out with homo teenagers. Hell YEAH! I hope it works out. More to come.

And the pregnancy update. Well, I'm still pregnant and that is AWESOME! The embryo is the size of a large raspberry. I want to say marionberry because of where I live. I am still haveing very vivid and emotional dreams each night, but they aren't keeping me from sleeping at all. If I eat a whole meal I feel really sick and pukey. I almost threw up at a show the ther night. (did i post about that? I don't remember) Being in the bar was fucking disgusting! I could smell everything. Including someone's yeast infection. Whether or not people had been smoking reefer. A few hundred beers open and a few hundred more spilled on the floor in the last year. And in between shows I ate a huge plate of enchiladas, beans, and rice that almost ended up on the floor with all those beers.
What else? My tits hurt!! And my nipples are changing and tender. And my back is still weird, but better (! woohoo !). And I want to eat steak all day, but that's not so new.

Tonight I am meeting one of the Brute's brothers who I have not met yet. He and his family are staying at her place tonight and she's staying here. I'm a little nervous to meet him and his fam. We shall see.... I worry that he is a homophob.

And last, I am having a date tomorrow with someone I've been dirty emailing with. I think we will have fun, and I am still nervous. I feel like we have great chemisrty in writing but we are a little awkward/easily misunderstand each other over the phone. And something weird came up, but I think we've worked it out. No, we haven't met yet. Tomorrow.
I have to remember not to eat too much at dinner!
charlz_lynn: (Default)
Something interesting I am noticing about pregnancy is that my body is still following a cycle, as far as I can tell. When I would normally be PMSing, my skin breaks out for a few days. And I am hoping my flare-up in my back is related to that, too.... based on what swifty told me. It also feels like I have been a lot moodier the past few days than before. We'll see if this subsides a bit, but it seems so already.

One of the best things about my date with the brute last night is that we came home and had steamy hot totally dirty sex aftrward. That's particularly great because lately my sex drive is not-so-present. I understand it, but it still freaks me out. I could write a million paragraphs here, but I'll hold back. Just want to thank the goddess for letting me get it up for at least one night, and I'm looking forward to the next million nights that happens. Even if they are spread out.

Something that may or may not be complicated by this is the fact that I am going to start dating someone new next week. We have been dirty emailing for a month or so now, and I'm pretty excited to meet her. All I have space for -- in my life, my heart, and my relationship -- is something truly casual. She knows that and hopefully she can really do it and I can really do it with her. I think we will have a lot of fun, hormones willing.

Oh -- one more thing.  have been crying in my dreams all the time lately. LIke, intensely crying. So, the hormonal effects don't end when the lights go out, apparently.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I slept for ever and ever. And then I spent some time looking for jobs on craigslist. But now I am lying down with pllows under my knees because my sciatic nerve is KILLING me. This has been a problem in the past for me, and now it seems it might be pregnancy related? I did some looking around on the internet and saw some women reporting this beginning in their 6th week (I'm now in my 7th). It seems too early for pregnancy-related back pain, unless somehow this has to do with hormones. I wonder... Of course, I have not forgotten that I pretty much spent the last three weeks in a car, and have not been exercising regualrly in a very long time.
Things to fix... Things to do....

I need a job, pretty desperately. It's hard to feel hopeful about this, finding a job, since I am not supposed to paint. I've answered a lot of CL ads and gotten nothing back, not a question, a phone call, nothing. I need to work on my resume and pound some pavement, but.... Well, there is this thing happening where Microsoft Word has disappeared off my computer. I am using OpenOffice to access my documents, but the formatting is not translating very well. Oi. I'm all complaints today, but the thing is I feel pretty good. We went to a really sweet Seder-ette last night. The sun has been out a lot. I feel healthy aside from my back. I'm wildly in love. Things are good. I just have a lot of things stacking up that are stressful and not the right amount of motivation and resources to tackle them. It will be fine.

The baby is the size of a blueberry right now and making brain cells at a rate of 100 per minute. No wonder I am tired.

xo
charlz_lynn: (hedgehog)
I just decided to leave tomorrow instead of today. It seems crazy, weather-wise. There's all sorts of shit going on in the middle of the country, and one storm in particular that I think I will miss by leaving tomorrow. There are also a lot of things for me to do around here, and if I go tomorrow I can do  that and that alone. Go. Nothing else. Pack the last little shit, go to the post office, the bank, the thrift store... all today. And wake up early enough to miss Boston traffic tomorrow. I hope this is the right decision, and I feel it is in my gut.
Lately I am trying to be more instinctual. It seems to be working, except for about food, because right now I don't have the instinct to eat anything... I'm queasy all the time when I eat. So. I have to ignore that one a little better than I have been, and just eat anyway. I'm not hungry at all, which I find unnerving. Except I am having these occasional protein fits. Like, I need a piece of meat NOW.
Another thing is yesterday my tits hurt SO BAD!! And it will only get worse, I know! Damn! There are veins showing up on them. Did you know that pregnant people produce four pounds of extra blood during pregnancy? Cool. I think that's fucking cool.

Preg Nancy

Mar. 23rd, 2009 10:02 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
So far this is an interesting ride. I still feel like a science experiment and I likely will throughout this whole pregnancy. I really really wish I had brought "What to Expect When You are Expecting" with me. I did not, though, because I have been carrying it around for months not pregnant and it didn't feel good.
So. So far these are the things I have noticed that are drastically different, that may or may not be the result of my increased levels of progesterone:
  • I am a total AIRHEAD! No, seriously, I am forgetting shit, feeling really disoriented, and zoning out at times when I need to be alert. This is not all the time, it comes in great whooshes of air in my head, then it calms down till the next one. Who knew?
  • My skin on my face looks better than it has in a loooong time. I hope this is a trend.
  • I don't want to eat as large of portions as I normally do, and I feel like I can't quite trust a burp after i eat. Like, maybe I will throw up, though I have not. Close, a couple times in the last two days.
  • I am waking up very early. Like, Bam! Awake. And in the middle of the night. This could be because I am also sick and snotty and sore-throaty.  Dunno.
That's all I can think of right now. I want to have a book in my pocket telling me what to eat, though. I need to make some more small changes and I wish I had more resources right here with me to know what they are. I want a menu, basically.

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