And again.

Nov. 18th, 2010 11:37 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I am posting this after a solid 12 hours of studying, then taking the train/busing home with  my 30lb book bag, oli's diaper bag, and a carseat, while wearing Oliver. I am not so articulate, but I need to purge some things. So bear with me, or don't. 

 Breaking up is weird. 

Casey and i have been together for over a year, and I have never seen her cry. She told me about when she was crying last time we broke up, but i wasn't there. She was crying today when she dropped Oli off at Cassia's, I guess. That made me really sad. Made me want to find her and hug her and make her feel better. 
 
Here's the thing. She's not crying about me, I feel pretty certain about this. She's crying about the way her relationship with is changing. I'm not saying this with any judgement or bad/hard feelings, just observing it.  I'm not crying either. 

I love her. I really do. But our relationship has been not good for most of the time we've been in it. Passionless. Joyless. Bickery. What finally pushed me over the edge was the fact that we're fighting in front of my son all the time. That is so unacceptable to me, yet I can't keep the tone out f my voice, the frustration out of my whole body.  I have mostly been tolerating the things about our relationship that I didn't like because she and O have such a good thing. But staying together 'for the kids'? Not the thing to do. Especially when staying together just means you're going to fight in front of them. 

There's a lot to figure out from this point. How do we proceed? I want her and O to keep their good thing. They are really very special to each other.... 

This is all so scattered and muddy.  I gotta go to bed. Like I said, just needed a little purge. I guess i should try doing it on paper sometime. That sounds nice..... 

Weekend

May. 25th, 2009 07:51 pm
charlz_lynn: (baby)
Well, my panic of the weekend has subsided quite a bit. I dunno if I really laid the panic out here, but i was feeling it for sure. I'm feeling pretty grounded again (for now) and ready to move on to the next step.

I don't want all my strategizing to overshadow my heart pain too much. But... well, it has some. I've been really focused on how I am going to survive and make a home for myself and my baby after Michigan, but I need to also make space to grieve my relationship with Mara. I am trying to not make this just about what could have been different/what I could have done differently. Because it seems, really, like all either of us could have done is ignore the things that weren't working. Or pretend things worked for us that didn't. Sigh. It's a lot to think about. We're rally awesome friends. At least we have that.

I am thirteen weeks pregnant today. Today I felt like I looked pretty pregnant, but then when I took this picture I felt more bloated-looking. Anyway..... I made myself lactate for Dawn and Tyler and Mara, too. That  was funny and embarassing and totally weird. My boobs are getting huge. Here are pictures of my body. Nakedish.
 

charlz_lynn: (Default)
I really really really really really wish I could tell if I'm pregnant. I could be. Right now. Or I could not. Damn. I just want to KNOW.

I'm going through a really self-centered time around this. Things I think I am this year (themes, you might say): lazy, self-centered, obsessed with pregnancy. All three things I have decided and have to keep on deciding over and over to be okay with. Serious grieving has taken a huge toll on a lot of aspects of my life, pushing the self-centeredness even further. And the laziness... well. I need to conquer that. Especially where school in concerned. I am looking to festival as a turnaround.
Again.
And again and again.
I will start taking my super-early pregnancy tests on Tuesday. And, of course, I'll do one as soon as I get home tomorrow just because. I do, though, feel like something is happening. I'm having a really weird relationship with my body right now. And I think with food, too. BUt I don't trust myself around this. Of course I'm going to think I'm pregnant.

One more thing: Sex. I want to know about pregnant sex. I want to know about insemination sex.. like, between insemination and really preggers. What are the risks? Why don't I know more about this?

TCB Friday

May. 2nd, 2008 12:19 pm
charlz_lynn: (goddess tree)
I just bought car insurance.
Oh, I didn't even tell you: I got Millicent fixed. It was her battery and spark plugs. $234. Not as bad as I thought, and I am moving across the country in my car! That's great news. It also means everything I own will, once again, be at festival with me. Haha.
So, back to insurance. I went with creepy buy-online-immediate-gratification insurance because of the move. It's a six month policy, so I can just change it when I get to [Rhode Island? Massachusetts?] to a local business.
Now, I have to go get new plates and register and get DEQ tested. Serious crossings-off. Oh, I didn't tell you that, either... I allowed my insurance to lapse because my car was broken. Thinking, "No big deal, i'll just renew it when I get her fixed." BUT, in Massachusetts, insurance and registration are linked. Meaning, they revoked my registration when I didn't have insurance. Shitty shit shit. Ah well. I'm gonna take care of it all today, and then I will have a legal car that will spend most of her time parked in front of my house.

That's all.

Oh, except i go to Seattle tomorrow. Hahahahahahaha.

science

Apr. 30th, 2008 10:39 am
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I felt really on top of all my shit for having spent so long on vacation in the middle of the term. That is, until yesterday when I went back to school and was slapped in the face with harsh reality. That scientific paper you thought was due next Tuesday, Charlz? Yeah, that's due tomorrow. As in, scientific paper. Like, Abstract, introduction, materials and methods, results, discussion, graphics, and references. CRAP! I have today. One day only. Back to ice cream.
Oh yeah, and why did I think the paper was due Tuesday? Right, because there's an exam I forgot about on Tuesday. Crap squared.

Also, I got Millicent to a mechanic this morning. Cross your fingers. My dream is that they will be able to fix her for 300 bucks.

And one last. I want to rekindle friendship and I don't know how. God damnit. But I had a dream about it last night. That's a huge scary thing in my heart.

umn.

Mar. 7th, 2008 12:19 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I have been having these interactions with people who I'm really very excited about... two of them, who are not the BT or the Biker. They don't have codenames just yet.
I am, honestly, such a tramp. It's working for me. I'm being safe... and it just feels good.

I just made the decision to skip my chem lab (we have a sub. i skipped class yesterday, too. It was great). I'm going to go home, instead, and do laundry and eat stir fry leftovers from dinner with jodi. It was good. I heart rice noodles. And vegetables. Yum. Then, I'll go to KBOO and be Zelda's assistant. I'm very excited.
Alright. Off I go. ho hum.

have i mentioned my haze is lifting? Damn it feels good.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I was up at 8 today. I planned on being up by 9, but I just *woke up*. Which has been happening lately. I think it's because I'm sleeping in rooms that are not pitch black when it's sunny outside.
So. I went to the grocery store while listening to last week's This American Life about testosterone, and now there's a pot roast in the crock pot. Fuck yeah. I'm busting out my calculus book. Yesterday's study group was not helpful, really. Too many people talking over each other, and you know I can't really handle that. I wish I could, really. But I can't.
Anyway. I have tea next to me. It's 9:30am. I'm listening to Billie Holiday. I leave for NC in 22 days. Next month I'm going to Provincetown to see my mumma. We're going to sell my bass and use the money for sperm. I'm shooting for first insemination in May. I'm going to move to Mass in the fall.
Crazy. Not crazy.
 
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I just registered for classes. Next term I'm taking thirteen credits, as opposed to 18. Praise the goddess.
I'm taking:
Writing 122 (english composition, damnit. snore)\
African Art (We'll see. I'm excited)
And second-term biology for science majors (Which I will have time to do well in with the absence of calculus and chemistry and real writing class)

i also applied for financial aid for both here and cape cod community college, just in case. And I lost a button that tyler gave me that said "A your and amazon" and I'm really really bummed about it.

As for productivity last night... no lab write ups. only magic brownie and long long bath and good sleep. He doesn't take off for late work, so.. fine. i feel better in the world today.
Except for when I burst into tears, which has only happened three times in the last twenty four hours. Sadly, that's an improvement.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I just arrived at Sossity and Kina's, where I will be house sitting until Tuesday. Yee haw. While more cluttered than the last place, their house is set up much better for studying... which is great. Also, they have 2 cats that are pretty low maintenance.
Anyhow. Tonight, I have these goals:
  1. Do 2 chem lab write ups
  2. Eat a special brownie
  3. Take a bath - salts included
  4. Sleep long and hard
I know, I may be being a bit ambitious. Ha. But, I can relax a little tonight... and I will spend the weekend catching up on Calculus - including a Saturday study session with my classmates.

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