Oct. 15th, 2009 06:07 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
Dad showed up unscathed, of course. Dinner was good. The conversation was good as always, because we stay away from the things we don't agree on. It was great to see him. Too short. Always too short.
charlz_lynn: (goddess tree)
 My Great Aunt Mimi died last night. 

Aunt Mimi has always been a crazy old bat. I say that with a lot of love. The story is that she was abducted around age ten, for many days. When she came back, she was never the same. Marbles asked me today if she was ever in love. I don't know the answer to that, and I suspect the real answer is that she was only ever in love with Jesus. She wore laminated pictures of Jesus, stories of sightings in the modern day (or 1900...), stories of The Virgin appearing in the clouds... around her neck. Always, so many of these pictures. "This is a real photograph of Our Lord," she would tell me when I was a child, and then we would go into the little room, in the dark, and pray. She pressed rose petals in newspapers and laminated them in these cards, put them on chains, and wore many of them at a time along with up to ten or twelve rosaries around her neck. All the time. She got in trouble for painting saints in the cemetery, just like Maude (of Harold and - ). 

Aunt Mimi spent the whole day yesterday at my Grandma Bell's house, with her last two living siblings. Uncle Gerald lives in Utica, and my Aunt Sandra and her husband went down and got him. They spent the day like most Sundays at Grandma and Grandpa Bell's; dinner at two, food covering the table all day, people in and out, cards in the evening (not Aunt Mimi's... she's never been quite well enough to play cards). Then Grandma took her back to the home. They called about fifteen minutes later to tell her Aunt MImi had died. 

charlz_lynn: (Default)
well, it has finally happened. My family has asked me to be their friend on facebook. Fortunately for me, they have the other email address, so it was fairly easy to start a separate account that is family friendly. It's going to be weird to them that I have no other friends maybe, but I didn't know what else to do, and I don't want to double-friend people. Weird.


Feb. 5th, 2009 07:02 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I'm about to go bowling with my parents. Both of them. we just had dinner and now we are going bowling. I have never hung out with them together and it's very funny.

Also, I canceled my date just now in an email. I hope she won't be mad.


Feb. 2nd, 2009 01:40 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
This last weekend I took a spontaneous trip to NY for Toshi's birthday party and ohmyfuckinggod what a great thing it was. I couldn't have done it without my weekend sugar mama, and I'm gonna have to think up some nice present to make for her. It's so important to me, I'm realizing from living without it, to be around *my people*, feel cute and loved and to see the people I am full of so much love for. This isolation is really tough and tricky, and I need to find the means to get out of here often for the next few months that  live here.

About that. Few months may be innaccurate, because if I can come up with the money (AND the fetus, heh), I am going to leave in April. My mom and I had a conversation in which she said I should go when I want to go nad not feel bound by the lease. I feel bad leaving her here, but... I am losing my marbles, in case I haven't made that clear enough. And she said "I'm your mom, you're supposed to leave me."
She's always full of the gems.

So. What does that mean? It means I need some fucking money. I'm trying to get into a sleep study. One is 14 days and nights and pays around two grand, and another I just saw is more like 40 days and nights and pays over 9 grand. I wonder if I could do that while trying to get knocked up. I could keep secrets. It's tricky. I haven't heard back yet so I don't know the whole deal or process. I feel like I'm hustling, but regular work is not presenting itself. The census may still contact me, they said four to six weeks, and it hasn't been that long yet. But shit, there's just not work here. This is a first for me. I am also trying to sell my bass. I don't like this fact, but it is true,  I just don't play the thing any more. I've shipped it across the country three twice already, as well. I have had dreams of playing it again, but if it will finance my move.... Sigh. If you know anyone that wants to buy a nice bass for 2100 bucks....

It seems the perfect living situation has presented itself so I can live in Seattle and not with The Brute for the first few months - until Festival. Her good friend has a room to rent only until mid-July. For super cheap. And she's willing to take work trade, which might be re-tiling her bathroom. Fun!  We might actually get to live in the same town and date for a few months before settling down and cohabitating. Shit motherfucking yeah!

Did I mention I'm madly in love? Well. It's true.

charlz_lynn: (pie)
I have now met the Brute's entire family -- minus one brother and his clan. And a whole bunch of her very important friends, too. Including her friend who is ten years old, with whom I am in serious friend love. I can't wait to spend more time with her -- the ten year old. I was more nervous meeting her than I was to meet the whole family (which happened the day after i arrived), because it's kinda like who gives a fuck if the family doesn't like me. Well, B, the friend, did like me, and I liked her, and we had a super super fun time that included going to Toys R Us and riding around the store on bikes and playing monkey in the middle. Sooooo good.

This whole trip has been a kind of whirlwind of social activity, and it's almost all been really good. The Brute's family was really sweet to me, and all the friends have been really sweet, too. It's nice to see that my girlfriend is surrounded by a crowd of amazing, kind, loving, fun, friendly people. And... a huge bonus for me... They seem to like me, too!

I have to admit that I don't ever want to leave. I want to just stay here and start our fucking life together right now. No waiting until June. No going back to my car that is sitting in Carlita's driveway on top of a huge sheet if ice. No lonely beautiful house where I spend too much time alone and cold. No electronic relationship. But I need to be happy with what i have while I have it. I get to see my mom almost every day and that is great. I get to cook nice food all the time, and I plan on making more efforts to see my friends in Providence. There's a potential new local date. I am going to be pregnant soon. I will spend more time crafting, and figuring out my sewing machine. And, most importantly, I am going to start working soon, whether for the census or something, anything else.

It's just fucking hard to think about leaving this temporary-but-soon-to-be-permanent life where I am blissed out for the one where I am not quite happy.

Oh, and one last thing... we went bowling today with d and g and it was a motherfucking blast.


Apr. 26th, 2008 07:55 pm
charlz_lynn: (shave)
It's almost good that this mid-term vacation is ending soon because I might die of pleasure and joy if it kept up.

That's mostly all I can say right now.

OH! Except my Grampy is awake!! And talking! And watching teevee!!!
My family is truly blessed, and so am I as an individual.

More to come.
charlz_lynn: (pie)
I have had the most incredible day, but I have to start with my really difficult last night.

Okay, so, on to today.
I woke up late this morning, and had breakfast with my family. Bacon and eggs and scalloped potatoes out of a box that were deliciously trashy. Then my mom and I took her girlfriend's boat (that she built out of plywood) out on a pond. We paddled to an island where we were going to go camping (but didn't) and back again. It was perfect weather and I'm totally sun burnt.
Next i came home to my mix cd from the Brutal Stranger in the mail, and I laid in the hammock and listened to it. It was sunny. Perfect. Perfect perfect perfect.
Ali - my cousin Mike's girlfriend - and I went down to the pier to wait in line for the whalewatching boat so we could secure our place in the nose of the ship. I'm so glad we did, because this particular trip ended up being spectacular. We saw anywhere from 50-100 dolphins and from 36-45 humpback whales and 8 or 9 finback whales. The guy talking over the speakers kept saying that this is not what one expects when going on a whalewatch. We were so spoiled by them. A serious show. I feel high from it. There were times when I saw 6 spouts at once off in the distance ahead of us. It was beyond incredible. Here's a link to my myspace photos, cause I'm posting a lot on there and I haven't gotten around to getting myself anything like a flickr account yet.
Eek! I love the whales SO much!

I know it's silly, but go look!!

charlz_lynn: (Default)
I just made and set into motion a really really big decision.

I'm going to inseminate at home, and Zelda is going to knock me up.

How did this happen? Well, let me tell you.
All along I've been feeling apprehensive about the sperm bank in Berkeley. They charge a LOT and even a registration fee. hey require that I see a doctor they approve of. But, they sell to single women and I thought they were the only one.
So, I posted this on craigslist yesterday:  

Of course, I got some answers from men willing to give me 'all the sperm' I need. "And it's fresh" one man told me. Thanks, buddy. BUT one woman wrote and said that she used NW cryobank in Spokane and they were great and she's a single lesbian. So I looked around.
They have inseminate at home options. No doctor registration. No information on your partners. Options for checking boxes that say 'single', the option to have them choose the donor. The website feels sweeter and more personal and not like a clinic. I called a midwife listed as someone who uses their specimens and she was really sweet - not taking new patients- and it was the first encounter I've had with a stranger who has been human about it. I introduced myself and said I was looking to get pregnant in the next two months and she said "Congratulations!"
She confirmed my feeling that I don't have to inseminate in a doctor's office even though I'm single. She made me feel so much better that, when I hung up, I started crying.
Then I called Zelda because what else would I do? She was the very first person I thought of to help me, and she was so amazing and excited and loving about it. I love her so much that now I'm crying again. I'm sooooo happy and relieved to have these things falling into place in a way that reels right and good and natural. I want my child to be conceived in a place of love and trust and calm, and they will be.
Shit I've gotta stop crying and study for my biology exam which is tomorrow.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
i love that boy so much. I got a 6-page letter from him today, front and back in his tiny tiny handwriting. He has so much love in his angry teenage heart. It breaks mine to know he is in a place with so little love. A couple letters ago he asked me if he could name his daughter after me, if he ever gets out and has a daughter and his wife or whatever is cool with it. You know.


Mar. 31st, 2008 08:53 pm
charlz_lynn: (burn)
I feel like I have a whole lot to talk about, and really don't even know where to begin. Thankfully, i've had some great friend talking time. Gushing and venting and stuff. I feel like my brain is trying to wrap around a billion and one things.... mostly relating to family and dating and the future/moving. So much so much. But I feel goooood. fucking good. like being so not-good for so long has made me feel even better now that I'm free from it.
I'm sad for my dad and Sandy, his wife. She's dying. Really actually dying. Hospice is coming to their house, and her body is falling apart from the chemo. I don't even know how to spell chemo. My dad was asking about someone else with cancer, and I couldn't explain to him hat the thing is, she actually takes care of herself. Eats food that's not junk all day every day. I watched Sandy eat plate-sized piece of chocolate cake for breakfast and then doughnuts for lunch and then cake again for dinner. But what the hell do you say? "this is not a way to heal"? To a woman who has been on fucking Atkin's diet for a decade?
So intense, all of it. My heart is sad. My dad deals with his wife's almost inevitable death by telling her she had better pull through because she's the only reason he hasn't already killed the cat. Maybe I should have a plane ticket set aside.
Well, I can't write about my insane insanely hot date in the same post as cancer stepmom. Or even about the future and my plans. That mobile home is a pit of despair right now. A black hole of sadness and doom, interlaced with bad jokes from my father.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
North Carolina. March 26th
This is intense, but nice. I wish I had internet access because then I’d have easier communication with my friends and community. Instead I’m a little bit trapped in this mobile home with my sick step-mother and my dad, watching tv all day. Game shows during the day, horror movies at night. Lots of senseless violence. Lots of racist jokes coming from my dad. Family Feud: top eight reasons people give for not living in California. Dad shouts, “Mexicans!” repeatedly. And so on and so forth.
I’m ready to be in the arms of that handsome butch on Friday.
I spent a long time talking to Sandy earlier about abusive men and then about homophobia. It’s hard to talk to someone whose opinions are so different from mine. She’s also just not that smart, and I feel like most of her opinions (other than those about abusive men, as I learned today) are being repeated from things my dad says. Then I went outside and took pictures of their yard. Sandy took me on a driving tour of the swamp so I could take pictures. Millions of pictures of trees and lizards and swamp, and no pictures of my family.
There’s a lot of interesting role reversal happening here. My dad is on vacation from work this week and Sandy is really sick, so he’s doing a lot of the cooking and cleaning and stuff. He’s such a gruff guy. Watching him go back and forth is interesting. One minute he’s ragging on her, joking with her like he always does – which is way too hard – and then apologizing for being so rough in a way that’s more gentle than I thought he was capable of being. There’s a lot of pain behind his eyes and hers, too, but it’s not acknowledged. That’s not how I prefer things.
Right now I have let go of the idea that wearing headphones in the same room as other people is rude because it’s either this or the sounds of Death Wish IV. No, thank you.
I keep trying to write, to fix up stories for publishing in a little booklette, but I’m in no space for it. I just want to talk on the phone and I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend the whole time here distracting myself from being here. And here I am, on the computer wearing headphones. But it’s this or the television. So.
I haven’t seen Tommy or Elisha (brother and sister) much at all. We’re going out tomorrow night apparently, but so far I’ve just seen Elisha twice, each time with only one of her kids. I haven’t even met Tom’s youngest yet, but he lives two hours away and hasn’t come up here. I’m most likely not going down there, either. Well. Oh well. I’ll at least get to see him tomorrow. Wish we were going fishing.
Yesterday I went out shooting with my dad. That was fun, and my shoulder’s sore from the twelve gauge. I also shot a 9mm and a 22 rifle. I had never shot a handgun before. Way exciting. It’s nice to do things with him that make me feel like we’re really father and daughter. It’s the main reason I want to go hunting with him and all my uncles and grandpa in the fall/winter. It’s what I love the most most most about going fishing. He likes that I’m so rugged. So raggedy. Heh.
Alright. I get home on Friday. The gardener is picking me up from the airport. And we’re going to stay the night in a hotel. Then the next night I meet the One Yet to be Named in a hotel. THAT is exciting and scary. I’m staying two nights in two hotels with two butches. Where am I? Who am I? I’m a little tiny bit freaking out about it. This thing with the OYN has been so long and exciting already that I wonder how I’ll keep from geeking out when I finally see her in the hotel lobby. We’re going right into our scene. We can talk later, since we have about eight million unfinished conversations. Weird, thinking about all the dirty, nasty, terrible things I will be doing in just a few days while sitting on my dad's cheap couch in my dad's mobile home in the swamp next to him and his very sick wife. More later, I suppose. I can't really feel too many things right now, and there's so much here, so deep.

Here, have another picture. Shoot 'em up.

charlz_lynn: (Default)
I think i'm entering really intense pms a bit early.
It hit me today that I'm really really upset that I'm not going to be around my family for x-mas. I miss them. Some awful things have happened t some people in my family... everyone's getting old and I want to see my grandparents. I miss my mumma so so so much, and she'll be there. I can't handle flint without her, but... She'll be there.
Earlier today, my uncle rick, who is Spencer's grandfather, had a seizure while driving and ran off the road and into a tree. He's okay. He didn't hit anyone else, and he doesn't have a scratch on his body. But this inability to drive makes him even more dependent on aunt sal, who already has so much on her shoulders.
I wish I could see her, and hug her.


charlz_lynn: (Default)

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