muck

Nov. 28th, 2010 09:15 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
 I feel so incredibly lonely right now. I just put Oliver to bed. He snuggled and played and nursed himself to sleep and it was so sweet. So melt your heart into caramel sweet. Like it is almost all the time with him.
But then... It feels as if as soon as he's asleep, I am all alone in the whole world.

I cried so much today. This is going to be hard, and I thought it was going to be easy.
I'm honestly glad it's not. I was feeling like an asshole. Like a heartless insensitive prick. And now I realize I am a mush. It's not just that I feel terrible for hurting her. I'm really missing her already. I'm really disappointed that it didn't work.

On top of that, I miss being partnered. Already. It's something I really like. To have someone with whom I'm in almost constant contact. Who I share every tiny thing with. There used to be friends that filled that space, a LONG time ago. That's something that's disappeared with moving so many times. I don't feel particularly close to anyone at all. M and M. T and Z. But... I dunno. The mundane little bits are only appropriate for a really intimate friend or a lover. 

I'm a little bit addicted to love. I might as well face it. 

And again.

Nov. 18th, 2010 11:37 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I am posting this after a solid 12 hours of studying, then taking the train/busing home with  my 30lb book bag, oli's diaper bag, and a carseat, while wearing Oliver. I am not so articulate, but I need to purge some things. So bear with me, or don't. 

 Breaking up is weird. 

Casey and i have been together for over a year, and I have never seen her cry. She told me about when she was crying last time we broke up, but i wasn't there. She was crying today when she dropped Oli off at Cassia's, I guess. That made me really sad. Made me want to find her and hug her and make her feel better. 
 
Here's the thing. She's not crying about me, I feel pretty certain about this. She's crying about the way her relationship with is changing. I'm not saying this with any judgement or bad/hard feelings, just observing it.  I'm not crying either. 

I love her. I really do. But our relationship has been not good for most of the time we've been in it. Passionless. Joyless. Bickery. What finally pushed me over the edge was the fact that we're fighting in front of my son all the time. That is so unacceptable to me, yet I can't keep the tone out f my voice, the frustration out of my whole body.  I have mostly been tolerating the things about our relationship that I didn't like because she and O have such a good thing. But staying together 'for the kids'? Not the thing to do. Especially when staying together just means you're going to fight in front of them. 

There's a lot to figure out from this point. How do we proceed? I want her and O to keep their good thing. They are really very special to each other.... 

This is all so scattered and muddy.  I gotta go to bed. Like I said, just needed a little purge. I guess i should try doing it on paper sometime. That sounds nice..... 

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charlz_lynn

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