muck

Nov. 28th, 2010 09:15 pm
charlz_lynn: (Default)
 I feel so incredibly lonely right now. I just put Oliver to bed. He snuggled and played and nursed himself to sleep and it was so sweet. So melt your heart into caramel sweet. Like it is almost all the time with him.
But then... It feels as if as soon as he's asleep, I am all alone in the whole world.

I cried so much today. This is going to be hard, and I thought it was going to be easy.
I'm honestly glad it's not. I was feeling like an asshole. Like a heartless insensitive prick. And now I realize I am a mush. It's not just that I feel terrible for hurting her. I'm really missing her already. I'm really disappointed that it didn't work.

On top of that, I miss being partnered. Already. It's something I really like. To have someone with whom I'm in almost constant contact. Who I share every tiny thing with. There used to be friends that filled that space, a LONG time ago. That's something that's disappeared with moving so many times. I don't feel particularly close to anyone at all. M and M. T and Z. But... I dunno. The mundane little bits are only appropriate for a really intimate friend or a lover. 

I'm a little bit addicted to love. I might as well face it. 

I am home.

Jan. 26th, 2009 01:24 am
charlz_lynn: (hedgehog)
My mom called me earlier this week to let me know that she's been keeping the house at 48* because we're burning through oil way too fast. I cannot blame her for this strategy at all, because we just don't have the fucking money to spend many hundreds of dollars on oil per month. So. It's cold. Her phone call to tell me about the heat came while I was walking down the street in a t-shirt and hoodie in sixty degree sunshine in Seattle. It did not make me want to come home.
When I arrived at the airport yesterday morning she let me know that the house was also trashed. Which made me want to hide in Providence. I did for a day so I could watch the L Word tonight anyhow (ugh, i hate that show more and more, i wish i could stop watching it!).

Anyway. I am home now. It is quite chilly, but I have a lot of blankets. And it's messy, but I can clean it up tomorrow. Those things are not so bad. What is bad is that the Brute is way over on the other coast and we should just be in the same place. The time I spent in Seattle just now was incredible. I met so many of her people who feel like they will be my people, too. For a very long time. Like we will truly merge our communities in a way, as well as building on new friends in our home when we land... Community around farming and trading... veggies for milk for flowers for grains for eggs, etc.
These are the things I am dreaming about for the next 20 years of my life. I'm just ready to get started. I feel like I have been revving my engine for years to get to this point and now it's time to accelerate. This place, Onset; this place, not working or going to school; this place, being alone so much... feels too stagnant and too isolated. I know that working will solve a good bit of it, but really, I just want to put everything in my car, yet again, and drive out west.

For the next few months,  I need to concentrate on going to Providence more, writing more letters, and working. I also need to concentrate on being present with myself and my surroundings and my lover. Because a relationship based on wanting only is not fulfilling at all. I think that long-distance can become that even if that's not where it started.

Okay. I'm done. I think I repeated a great deal of what I posted last, but I will write it as many times as I have to. Now I'm going to curl up under my feather comforter and my 5 quilts and sleep and sleep.



charlz_lynn: (Default)
I have been sleeping from roughly 4am to noon every day. Why? I don't know. I just can't get myself into bed, then I can't get myself out of bed. Even when I got up relatively early (relative to when i went to sleep) when I had a visitor and I was exhausted all day. That was a lot of fun, by the way. We kayaked in the rain and ate a lot and had a generally very relaxing time together -- after a weird and aggravating journey to the bank. (Yes, journey. Maybe someday I'll tell you about it. Probably not. Lord.)

So, this sleep thing. Jeesh. Read more if you wanna.  )
Okay. Wah wah wah.... now for some exciting things. My stepmom is starting some new treament and might pull through her liver cancer!! It's called Selective Internal Radiation Therapy (SIRT) and it's experimental on her because it's never been used for her type of cancer. It's usually for liver cancers that originate in the colon, I believe. Anyway, it's the most hopeful bit we've come across yet, and it's said to have NO SIDE EFFECTS. The chemo has been really devastating her body. So. Praying, or whatever.

Also exciting, the Brute is talking about coming for thanksgiving.... coming in the weekend before and staying until december 3rd - a couple days after my birthday. Woohoo!

Also very exciting and kind of related, I might be inseminating during that time. I got a hold of my potential sperm donor and started the negotiations. I might have the Brute do the inseminating. (!!!) More on that later. But I'll just say this: I could have an infant one year from now.

Longest update ever. Now I'm gonna go call the mechanic (find a mechanic) and clean some more. xo

charlz_lynn: (Default)
The cycle of lonely really sucks. I believe this has been my loneliest year ever (yes, June is time to speak in base Year). It's alright. But there are days like today, when I'm really feeling it and I've spent the whole day in my basement studying by myself and I just keep looking at the computer or the phone or anything where anyone might try to reach me... check the mail a hundred times.... Nothing. But I don't pick it up, either.
Then it's night time. And there are things to do. Great, fun, social things... But I don't want to go be social. Cause I'm too lonely. Days like today just bug me. Nights like tonight are hard. Have I spent so much time alone that I forgot how to socialize?
It's so stupid.

Did I mention it's June? June is such a hard month for me. Always. July used to be worse, but now I'm already home for most of July. Shit man. Give me the woods and community and my mom, please. Put me under the sky and the trees. Tuck me in in a tent. I need to smell a thunderstorm coming, quick before my nose forgets my history.

This is the longest I've ever gone away from Michigan, too.... Like, my grandparents and everyone else. I think I am having post-traumatic stress over going back there, even for one day. After last year... I wish I could forget last year. I wish I could go back there, to one year ago, and shake some people.

It's weird to write posts like this, because most of the time I'm doing really well these days, and I don't often write about that. It just hits me occasionally how much time I've spent alone. What a different life this is than the life I had before and the life I expected to have right now (even post-breakup).  I just want to go home. It's getting me today.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I'm realizing that once you isolate yourself, it's hard to climb back out of isolation.
It's okay, but. Well, self pity right here: I want someone, anyone, to be thinking of me hard enough to call me.
It's been a ridiculously long time since my phone rang. **
This is not a push, just an observation.

And today, well... Today someone is up front in my mind with whom dynamics are complicated right now. And by complicated I mean I have no idea what's going on but I think I'm being viewed as a monster.
But. I meant what I said in the text. I just hope it was a great one.

**that is, other than from my Mom or The Brute. Which is not to say they don't count.... but. Date and Mother. ya know.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I don't feel good.
Last time i thought I bombed a calculus exam, I got a b on it. But that will not be the case with the one I just took. I think I left a quarter of the problems blank, or with question marks, and was shooting in the dark for 90% of the remainder.
I'm a mess right now, and  calculus has been at the absolute bottom of my list. Health concerns have finally moved up (which moved calc to the very bottom), at least to second, and my other classes are definitely more important to me now.
Floating around in my messiness is a lot of pain and itching. My heart hurts a lot lately. I'm premenstrual. I'm really really really lonely. I think I might put off the baby making until the fall, unless i somehow end up sleeping with a boy I trust on more levels than I even know any boys. i just cannot afford it. And I want it so bad that it's breaking my heart to not have it be it live it right now. I miss my family. All manners of family. Baaaaad. Did I mention I'm lonely? Well, i am. I have a fever. And, oh, yeah, eczema on my motherfucking vag. And in my ears. I think in my ears is the worst.
Also, lonely.
One good thing, I'm going to toshi's show tonight. So, there's one lost family member. And Tyler will be there. And P and E. I just hope i can make it until then without bursting into tears (fighting crying right now, fucking public). And a bonus would be not bursting into tears at the show.
One more good thing, I have quit wheat and sugar with a great deal more success than I thought possible from myself. The only sugar I've had is fruit, and that I feel okay about). I DID have a slice of pizza yesterday afternoon, then i think the itching got a lot worse from that. So. Am I allergic to wheat? I guess I'll find out. bummer.
At the naturopath i found out I have Labrynthitis, which means there's fluid in my Labrynth. Like, my ear tubes and stuff. (at least, that's what i think they were saying). So last night I did this weird thing involving putting on wet cotton socks, wool socks over them, and then going to bed. It felt kinda nice. And strange.
They also told me to take Dandelion, Oregon grape, and Benedryl (sp?) for the itching. She said stay off the wheat and sugar. I wish I had the ability to be more focused when at the doc, so I could make sure i really understand what they're saying to me.
Okay. I have to go somewhere. be outside or something.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
they are amazing.
but i miss my family SO MUCH.
it was a mistake not going home.
i'm not alone. but i feel like i am without my family.
damn.
what was I thinking?
well, i know what i was thinking, but then...
shit changes.
damn.
charlz_lynn: (Default)
I miss feeling a part of something that has to do with more than my own personal life improvement. Like, right now I'm a part of school, but that's not enough.
I miss community. I miss connectedness. I miss phone calls from friends. I miss friends, really.
I guess I just keep saying that... but. Well. My social life feels manic. Like, I see one or a group of my friends and I'm so happy I could explode, then I don't see or hear from anyone for a long time and I feel like I could suffocate from aloneness. no. not quite loneliness. Anyway. Maybe it's hormones. Or maybe it's having a lot less love in my life here. A LOT less. Either way. boo.

ps. the bug movie was fucking awesome.
xo.
charlz_lynn: (pie)
I'm a crabby bitch today. my head hurts and I'm in my room watching movies while a million people are upstairs watching top model and project runway. it's okay, this is me taking care of myself. Also, I made soup. you know i love soup. And ate it in bed while watching said movie. then a laffy taffy bar, one of the huge ones. then milk and cookies. then a bag of swedish fish. you know i love swedish fish, too.
my writing class was great today, I turned in my last essay, and had a conversation with a woman i really like who is a great writer... we paired up to do critical reviews for each other. then history class was canceled and I got to come home. so it turned out to be a good day, technically. i'm just a pooper.
hormones. i wonder what pregnancy is going to be like.
also, in this state, something that i really want to not hurt anymore still really does. sometimes so very badly. I'm wishing i had rented a cheesy romantic comedy so i could start the waterworks... and think of something other than that particular sore spot.
instead i got The Adventures of Baron von Munchausen, Ratatouille, and Life in the Undergrowth - which is a movie about bugs and I'm very excited about it.
ok. i feel like wallowing, so I'm going to go do so, privately.
love.

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charlz_lynn

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