charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I'm defending my thesis tomorrow, and every time I start a practice run through, I stumble over the first two slides. Partially, I feel super awkward talking to myself. And then, there's also the fact that this is the most important presentation I've ever given, and will be giving it to a whole room of very smart people.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.

All I got.

Oct. 25th, 2015 11:15 pm
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

There is really just so much happening right now.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

Oh friends. Today I got an email that exactly the teaching position I have been manifesting (full time, benefits) at exactly where I want to work (portland community college) is open for next year. I applied immediately. Fingers crossed!!!

This was on the heels of learning that, because of my raise as a TA, I'm 100 dollars over the max yearly salary to have oregon health plan. So, fingers crossed especially hard. We worked some insurance magic for now, but it will be a problem in a couple months.

A blessing

Oct. 13th, 2015 01:36 pm
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I really really like almost everyone in my department. I get super excited about seeing them at seminars and other events. This is such a huge blessing. And I'm nervous about embarking on whatever comes next.

I applied for a job in Seattle that I'm completely unqualified for yesterday. It's a really cool job - ocean acidification ecologist for NOAA. Of course, I don't really want to move to Seattle. A bigger city? No thanks. But we would make it work for the right position, and this would definitely fall into the 'right position' category.
We'll see what happens. I have to get a job now. I won't be a student for the first time since January of 2005 (minus a few short-ish breaks). Whoa. 

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

Nothing broken, just bruised bones. Poor fella.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

That title is a little misleading. I am kicking ass on my thesis. It's coming along nicely and my advisor is quite happy with it. I think I might just make my deadlines, which is really good because I have a date set for my defense - November 2nd. Which means my thesis can be to my committee no later than two weeks from yesterday. I told them they'd have it the 16th. Whooooooooo...

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

Just got home from a couple hours at the ER with Oliver. He fell and hit his head and got a small but gnarly impact lesion. So, he got two staples. This kid really makes me so proud. He was incredibly brave, and still so sweet and polite to everyone at the hospital. There was no concern about a concussion or anything, and that made this all less stressful. Jodie was also just amazing. It's wild to be with someone who actually makes everything easier. We're back in honeymoon mode now, and God damn it feels great.

Blah

Sep. 26th, 2015 01:45 pm
charlz_lynn: (flirting)
When I'm overwhelmed and maxed out, alone time sounds so rejuvenating. But then when I actually get some solitude, I am more freaked out than relaxed. At least, that's how it is right now. Maybe because I don't get to actually take it as downtime. I need to be working every moment, but instead have been engaging in some self-sabotaging behavior. Like logging on to facebook and looking for any sign of anything from Fabulosa because not having access to my person is weird and I don't like it. Or watching internet porn. Or just looking and looking again at livejournal to see if anyone has posted anything new in the last three minutes. The moments I take as 'down' are not actually relaxing, they are stressful because I shouldn't be doing whatever I'm doing.

There are my ugly truths. Now. Back to the thesis.

I'm editing this to add:
I'm sitting here and reading through the literature to figure out how the hell to interpret and report my results. And. Well. It just occurred to me that I haven't put in the time I should be putting in, and that is truly my only downfall here. I can do this. I can do this well. I'm wicked smart. Just have to actually dedicate myself to this for the next few weeks and then I'll have a motherfucking masters degree in biology. That's bitchin. 
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

God Damn, it's been quite the week here. Last Wednesday, Tyler and Erika and their dog Bernadette arrived and stayed in our driveway until Monday. I have missed Tyler so fucking much, and it was so good to spend time with her, and to finally introduce her and jodie. Of course, they hit it off. Two of my very favorite people. Then Thursday my dad and his wife flew in. He texted me about a week before to let me know that they got tickets and were going to surprise me but thought better of it. I'm glad he didn't surprise me - I had a lot of feelings to work out, since the last time we spoke on the phone I told him I was getting married and his response was "TO A MAN?!" and then arguing with me about gay marriage. So. I've been pretty pissed at him all summer and came this close to writing him an angry parental breakup letter. I'm so glad I didn't. He was perfectly delightful, accommodating, supportive... it was great to see him. This was the first time IN MY LIFE that he came to where I live just for me - without being sent there by his work. And his wife, Serena, is incredibly lovely. They spent a lot more time with Oliver, some we were so busy, but we got to have a lot of meals together. They mulched our garden (long story, so sweet). They sat in chairs during the wedding surrounded by our gaggle of Very Queer friends. My dad cried a little. I'm very touched that he came. Grateful.

The wedding was great. We really have the best people in the world. I know jodie wished it had been smaller, and both of us were fairly overwhelmed with people and didn't get much chance to really connect with everyone like we wanted, but I also can't imagine who wouldn't have been there.

Edited to finish:
The week since the wedding has been incredibly long and exhausting. Oliver started getting sick the day before the wedding, then vince (our housemate and officiant), then jodie the day after, and now me. I'm fighting it, but I'm just so fucking tired. Then jodie left for fabulosa and I'm dog/house sitting the wayward. Oliver had a dentist appointment, checkup with the doctor, diarrhea, general clinginess... I've been fighting sick, trying to write a thesis, and having meeting after meeting this week getting ready for teaching. Oli has to be picked up from school and shuttled to after school at 2:15 and thankfully nora's been able to help with that the two days I had meetings in that window. It's just a lot this week.

Maybe it feels like more than it is because I'm stressing out hard about my thesis.  I've had to learn a couple more computer programs, which kick out results that I don't know how to read. So tonight I'll be digging through the literature trying to figure out to interpret some statistical values, then I can pretend I know what the Fuck I'm talking about in my results. Oy. Lots of oy.

I'm eager to use our fancy resort hotel gift certificate. We were gifted a very fancy bottle of champagne, and a very fancy bottle of scotch, and we'll procure some mushrooms. Now that's what I call a honeymoon.

Everyone's out of town and I'm feeling really lonely - even surrounded by 3 dogs and a kid. The kid is going to my mom's today, too, so that loneliness might become more acute. We'll see. Writing, watching broad city, and drinking leftover wedding champagne by myself might be exactly what I need.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

We're all sick.
So much work.
That is all.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I had such a great time. We have the most amazing people.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

In typical fashion, everything possible is all happening at once. We're getting married the day after tomorrow. Tyler is here! A bunch of other people are coming to our house and there is much to do. My advisor thinks I'm not doing enough so she's being pretty cold and unhelpful. And now, of course, Oliver is sick.
So much. All the feelings. All at once.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)
I went from feeling mellow to full-on panic mode. Something is wrong with my sequences, and I might have to go back to square one with my analyses. Susan wants a completed, polished draft of my first chapter a week from Friday. And she's neither available nor willing to help me figure out what's going on with the seqs. I won't bore you with the details, but it's not pretty.

On a positive note, Jodie has been incredibly supportive - helping me stay calm, picking up my slack in housework and parenting, and just being a sounding board when I'm freaking out about not being smart enough for this shit. So close, but so very far away, this masters degree. Oy.

I'm really looking forward to our wedding Saturday. 

Shit.

Sep. 13th, 2015 08:57 pm
charlz_lynn: (flirting)
So. My advisor responded to my most recent thesis draft. She's lighting a fire under my ass. I have 5 weeks left and a LOT of god damn work to do. She says at this point it is not unreasonable to expect me to work 60 hours a week, solely on my thesis. Especially the next two weeks. Well, here are my next two weeks: I'm getting married Saturday, at home. We have a handful of people coming from out of town (see below), including a few of jodie's reallyamazing, most cherished people who she never gets to see. Then the following week she is going to Fabulosa and I have meetings scheduled much of the week during the times Oliver needs to be taken from school to his afterschool program. I start teaching the following week, so all the meetings and mandatory orientations (even for people who have taught for years) are starting up.

Here's an interesting thing: My father is coming to the wedding. This is a huge surprise and someday maybe I'll get a chance to process all of my feelings about it on here. Just. Whoa. He and his wife will be here on Thursday, and I'll be trying to work 60ish hours between Monday and then, so I can be present for the last bits of wedding prep Friday and Saturday. And I would like to be able to take a moment to actually see my dad. And struggle really hard to NOT talk about gay marriage, even though he's coming to big weird gay wedding. Fuck it's going to be so weird for him. It will be good for him, I think.

There is so much. I know I did this to myself. There is a bright shining light at the end of the tunnel, though. I have no regrets.
charlz_lynn: (flirting)
Everything is SO busy right now, but because it's all on my own schedule, it feels a little mellow. Margot has been working hard on dress stuff, and we finally figured out the right paint for the wood grain. I got to try on my muslin today (practice dress). It fits mostly really great (needs a little more boob room), and this is absolutely going to be my DREAM DRESS. POCKETS!
I might see about hiring her to make a couple extras in other fabric now that all the fitting is done and the pattern is made.




I'm also writing writing writing, and struggling hard with maintaining focus. I feel like I might be getting close sometimes and then I'm smacked with how mcuh work I still have to do. Sometimes I feel like it's going to be impossible. It's not. I got this. But it's fucking scary.

That's all. Here are some pictures of dress prep. Weeeeee! 

Break

Sep. 4th, 2015 12:15 pm
charlz_lynn: (flirting)
My word document is giving me the rainbow wheel of death, so I'll take a moment to write on here.

Things are calming down at home. Still a lot of conversations to be had, much work to be done. But the sweetness is bigger than all that, and I'm very grateful. We just found an AMAZING after school program for Oliver -- The Art of STEM. It's project-based, where the kids design a project and then spend their time skill-building to complete the project. This is so perfect for Oliver's brain, and it's the same cost as the after school program at his school that is pretty much just playing for four hours. They also get to play at the STEM one, but a project is where it's at for him. He LOVES that shit. Plus, Jodie's job is ending for the year soon, and she can volunteer there, which will make her very very happy. All around, it's totally dreamy. Expensive, but dreamy.

I have to turn in a revised (still very rough) draft of my thesis this afternoon. I've made some decent strides, but I'm terribly afraid of Susan. I fear the amount of time I've spent on this - not a whole lot - is pretty evident in my work. Today has been productive, but I spent much of the rest of the week literature hoarding, which is one of my worst research habits. I just cast about for papers I should read, download them to my ReadCube, and don't actually read or write much of anything because it's all overwhelming. Oy. Good progress today. Lots of incorporation of phylogeographies of other PNW organisms, geographic structuring patterns that are similar to my pseudoscorpions... And the papers are getting easier to read and incorporate into my work and writing style.

I'm feeling the loneliness and isolation of after Michigan. That's pretty rough. Would you all please just come over for family dinner this Sunday? Just come over. We'll feed you.

Alright then. I better get back to it. Loving you all... 
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

We're in Deer Lodge, Montana. Tomorrow morning we're going to one of my favorite roadside attractions,  the Old Montana State Prison Museum. It's been a great day and I can feel many more of those coming. It's a good time right now. Lots and lots of feelings. I knelt over Oliver's little sleeping body and cried the last two nights. Then I got up in the middle of the night and brought him to my bed to cuddle. I barely slept but I was doing what I needed to do. Spooned between Oliver and Jodie. Just listening to them sleep.

a little more mush behind this cut.  )



charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I realized why I'm having such a hard time about going away. I like my life right now more than I ever have before. That's the best reason to feel sad.
Last night, when I went in to check on Oliver, I had a little meltdown about how much he's going to grow and change in the time I'm gone. Just knelt next to him and cried my face off. He's so wonderful, and jodie's so wonderful, and they are the two best friends I've ever had. I'm gonna miss them.

Boom

Jul. 10th, 2015 10:07 pm
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I finished all of my summer teaching responsibilities today. That's a fucking load off. Now, to the thesis and the packing!

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