Done

Apr. 26th, 2017 11:55 am
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

Alright, finally did it. charlz_lynn as always.

If any of you want to like, give me a call anytime, please do. I suck at returning calls and at answering my phone, so I'm a shit for asking. But I'm having a really hard time. Real, real hard. And I'm a facing a gigantic betrayal from the one I trusted most that I will not write on the internet.

I love this little group we've had here and I hope it continues! ❤️

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

LiveJournal!! I'm getting the message we have to move to dreamwidth, but. Well. I want it to be exactly the same - the same conglomeration of you. Please tell me if you're doing this and how I can find you on there!!

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

As hard as everything is, I find myself every single day weeping with gratitude at least once, and continually marveling at my great privilege in community. It is humbling, and overwhelming, and something like delightful.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I'm forming a plan and I think it honors our beautiful queer family and our love for each other. Part of this plan is something I am so grateful for that I collapsed on the floor sobbing when it was becoming a clear strong possibility.

I can do this. Chins up, Charly.

Thank you all for the love. ❤️

Bad day

Nov. 9th, 2016 09:25 am
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I love you, friends. I feel hopeless and sad and completely disgusted over yesterday's election.

More to say, as always, but I only have time to tell you that I love you.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

How much do you think not having the boost of Michigan (or simply knowing that boost is no longer available) has affected your confidence?

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I've got a lot of it.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

The LiveJournal app won't let me see my own journal, so I can't go respond to your sweet comments. But they really help me, as always. Thank you.

I don't think I've ever been as sad as I was yesterday. My eyes are so swollen. I wish I could grow old without ever having to bury anyone else I love.

Busy busy

Sep. 7th, 2016 07:12 am
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

No time, but since I posted here that I was having those tests, I figured I should also say here that they all came back 'normal'. So. No celiac, no lupus, no thyroid issues, no early menopause... Hallelujah! Now,  back to the drawing board.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I'm going to the doctor today to discuss a number of (seemingly random) symptoms I've been having throughout the years that I am convinced point to Lupus. Possibly just subacute cutaneous lupus, but... I don't know. I don't want to be dramatic, but I'm freaked out.

Also, the last time I said "I don't want to be dramatic, but..." in a medical context, Oliver was crowning.

I struggle with feeling okay about telling my doctor everything that's going on because I don't want to seem dramatic, or like a hypochondriac. I'm very concerned, though. That's all for now. I'm listing all the symtoms below so I have an electronic record. More later. xo

Symptoms:

Past 9-10 yrs -- frequent fatigue and malaise
~8 yrsago-- lesions in mouth, on vag and bottoms of feet. No explanation identified
4-5 yrs ago -- Ejaculated a bunch of blood, then urinated blood and blood clots for two days. Saw a urologist, did a scope, no explanation identified
3-4 yrs ago -- full body hives for two weeks, treated with steroids, no explanation identified
Past 3 years -- lesions present on inner upper arms and abdomen. Diagnosed as granuloma annulare (1 yr ago), not explained, biopsy returned no concerning results. No lesions have improved, only worsened slowly, with more lesions showing up with greater frequency each month
~2 yrs ago -- Intense joint pain in hands, nonchalantly identified as arthritis. Comes and goes. Joint pain elsewhere is common.
Past year -- Hot flashes with increasing frequency. Tested hormone levels and thyroid, no explanation identified. Could these be low-grade fevers coming and going?
Past year -- increasing occurence of sharp chest pain. Never investigated.
 Also in the past year --  Dizziness, eye socket pain, trouble focusing, urgent need to urinate, insomnia.







No known family history of lupus, only diabetes, heart disease, and breast cancer.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

So much to do and all I really want is to sit here, read my book, and smoke joints all day. To be fair, I have had a solid hour of doing just that, and a lovely phone call with HZP, and amazing snuggles with the boy and two dogs. But there are lots of chores. I'm going to get up and do them soon.

This is my last week of restaurant work, and I couldn't be happier. I've made some amazing connections with some of the regulars, the restaurant is running much better due, in large part, to my efforts,  and the income was enough to get by on and apply for income based repayment that will allow me to put off making payments on student loans for the next year. The universe is taking care of me, as she always does.

I walked into the cup and saucer for breakfast the day after I decided that applying for jobs online was not going to be the way. It was killing me. It was a phenomenal waste of my time and energy. I decided to get a food service job and wait a little bit. The manager was our server a number of times at the other location, and she now desperately needed to hire servers at this location. I started less than a week later. That was about five months ago. I've gotten two raises and turned down a management position. And I have become friends with the owner - I think we will have a lot to offer each other in this life.

I did apply for a few other jobs, and didn't get even an interview... my resume and cover letter were never read by anyone because I was beaten out at assessment questions, presumably by folks who have done these jobs before, rather than those using education to qualify. Not to mention, everyone is moving here. Everyone is applying for jobs here. It didn't make me feel bad about myself so much as it took away all my hope for a sustainable (maybe even profitable) future within reach. Of course I was down on myself, but working and being really, really good at my job helped. I started casting a wider net, applying for jobs in other states, in southern oregon (trump country), and accepting the reality that we probably can't stay here much longer.

Then, last week, I got an email invitation to teach lab sections at Washington State University's Vancouver campus. 20 minutes away. I said yes right away, but then had to interview because they had sent that invitation to multiple people. The interview was perfect. Perfect. I recognized one woman interviewing me because I'd gone to a seminar she'd given during my undergrad. The man hiring me teaches invertebrate biology (my jam) and knows my advisor, who loves me. It felt so good - my first interview for what I want to do! What I have worked SO hard for and  given so much to. And I got the job. Four lab sections, good pay, really wonderful people, material I love to teach at a level I love teaching it. My gratitude is overwhelming at moments, but that is my only complaint. There are beautiful views of Mount Hood and Mount St. Helens. So. Fucking. Happy.

My Michigan grief is big, but it's buried in deep undercurrents. I can't live in it, like I'm seeing a lot of other folks doing. I understand the comfort in that, but it's not for me. So it cannot drown me, I need to release it in small doses. In the past I would have dealt with this grief by reading other people's sad posts on Facebook and crying for as long as I could let myself. I'm trying to find new ways to do these things.

Anyway. This is my first long post in a long time. I'm trying to isolate a little less. Fenn  (j's new name) and I need to figure out the balance between her introversion and my extroversion.... how we can both get our needs meet, which seem to be mutually exclusive of one another. Maybe another time I'll talk more about that.

I'm really grateful for this little group of people here. Xo

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

You guys. I got an adjunct faculty position at WSU Vancouver!!! It's just to teach labs for one semester, but it will very likely lead into more work. I'm so. Fucking. Excited. It's good money. Good people. TEACHING!  I get to quit my restaurant job. I get to science. Hallelujah!

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

My grandma bell has been on a feeding tube the last couple weeks, and they took her off yesterday. She was admitted to hospice care today. I'm struggling hard to deal with my grief and anxiety about this. It's hard to know where to put it all when I'm so far away. Oliver and I are going to make some candles for the altar today.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

This trip is intense.

But, I saw all of my mom's siblings today. And almost all of my dad's yesterday. That's 13 aunts and uncles. Everyone's here except my mom. I wish she was here.

My grandma bell (paternal, picture below) might not make it. Everyone is in utter agony, grandpa most of all. I'm beyond grateful to be here, and fuuuuuck this is hard. I cannot describe the power of this woman... the love and ferocity in her tiny body and all around her. Power. Now full of tubes she didn't want unable to communicate. I can see right through her skin. She looks much worse than i could have imagined. Nobody will fight about the decision that needs to be made, thank god, but it is not something everyone agrees on. It's pretty much split 50/50.

My other grandma, nana, had a bad infection after hernia surgery, so she's been in the hospital for two weeks in great pain and all fucked up from her meds. She finally turned it around today after getting a wound vac, and it was wonderful to see her sitting up and smiling this morning. I'll take Oliver over there in the morning. That kid brings the joy. 

My cousin mikey, who is the closest thing to a brother I have, lives here again and I had no idea. I'm so freaking stoked to see him. Many of my other cousins, too. I'm very fortunate in the family department. Of course there are a couple on each side who I don't care to see, but most of the others are like medicine in this difficult time.

These people here have seen hard fucking times, especially this past year or two that I haven't been home to visit. I have so much privilege, and I wonder how much of it is simple geography. If I could put everyone  (almost everyone, anyway) on a bus and move them away from here, I would in a second. I have to recognize how callous and probably just plain rude it is to say that. But it IS flint Michigan. Though, to be honest and fair, it does seem that there may be a little life coming back to flint. It's been decades.

I'm completely sleep deprived. Oliver is, too. He's having a great time and really knocking everyone's socks off, regardless of sugar and no sleep. I'm a proud mama.

This may not even be coherent. Fuck I'm tired. Love to you all. Pictures below. The fish he caught is a carp. Of course. Xo

Grandma

Jun. 20th, 2016 08:30 pm
charlz_lynn: (flirting)

My grandma bell had a massive stroke this morning. I'll be flying to flint Thursday-Tuesday to be with my family. Financially, this is ludicrous, but I haven't seen any of my grandparents in two years and this is a big fucking deal.

Everything in my life is really good between these crises. Really really.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I got to visit with someone great who pointed out to me that the last things I posted were all pretty bad sounding. And. That's so true! I've been beyond overwhelmed by any electronic communication (blame grad school). When I think about posting updates, it's just too much and I move on with my day. And now I'm in the position of having too much to write about. Headlines.

Things with jodie are amazing. We're working through a lot of stuff and it feels good and productive. Must write more on that later.

I momswoon many times every day. My kid is honestly my favorite person of all time. Lucky lucky lucky lucky.

If I could design someone to parent Oliver, I would design jodie. Who could have imagined...?

We got rear ended last weekend. Hard. My left thumb is sprained and holy fuck it hurts. Everything is working out okay, no injuries greater than that thank goddess. Jodie's car might be totalled. I'm working like a boss in my giant thumb brace.

Speaking of boss - they asked me to be assistant manager at work (manage the one restaurant). They know I'm trying to get a science job asap and they still want me because i can help get shit in line. That feels nice.

I love and hate my job.

Also, best dog.

Overall, I feel incredibly lucky. I'm still struggling, but the good things and the joy are taking up more space now. Finally.

Friends, I read all of your posts pretty much right away, by the way. And it's real nice to have you. Xo

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

Okay. No complaining this time.

1. I quot smoking a few days ago, and it really is much easier this time. I used the Alan Carr book,  The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I'm feeling pretty positive about it all, and so thrilled that I no longer have to bear the embarrassment and shame of smoking fucking cigarettes in 21st century.

2. My job is pretty good. I'm averaging well over a hundred bucks a day in tips, and making money is incredibly satisfying after such a stretch of making no money.

3. I'm so happy with my wolf and our son.

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

I have roughly eight million words that couldn't be touched by these pictures. But for now... pretty. This is, to me, one of the most beautiful places on Earth. I came back to add captions and the cut...

Edited to put giant photos behind this cut. )

charlz_lynn: (flirting)

We're camping at the Hoh rain forest and I came into town to dry a few things. I had a short delay, thanks to this family. Xo

charlz_lynn: (flirting)
And then, sometimes, you get some very unexpected and generous help.

Huge sigh. <3

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